8 M O N T H S
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8 M O N T H S
May 4, 2021
8 months have passed since we lost our baby and while it seems like so long, it’s such a short amount of time. The thing I struggle with the most daily is feeling like I should be able to function like I used to. I get frustrated when I don’t have the energy I feel like I should or my mind and body are telling me to stop and allow myself to recover. I used to live for our weekends at home in our comfy clothes playing all day and now I’m debating a weekend job sometimes just to keep my mind occupied (ok not really 😂). Finding the balance between recovering from grief and finding a new normal is hard and I don’t think it’s fully understood until you’ve really lived it. There are so many triggers and emotions that happen daily for anyone going through grief, trauma or change & learning a new normal is difficult with so many ups and downs.
In 8 months we’ve faced a lot of milestones, gotten through a lot of holidays and done a lot of firsts. The most recent one was taking care of kids alone for the first time since Cooper died. I hadn’t even thought twice about it until this panic came over me when I was driving to pick up my nephews this last weekend…the what if’s invaded my brain and I truly panicked over being a “mom” for the first time since he died. I’ve never doubted myself as a mom. I’ve never doubted my husband as a dad (nor do I now)…but I wasn’t prepared for the panic of what if. What if someone hits us on the freeway, what if they fall off their one wheel, what if, what if, what if. It finally went away when I got those boys to the house and we played and rode one wheels around the neighborhood for hours and I watched them just be kids. But that moment of sheer panic took me by surprise…I wasn’t prepared for it. Our blind faith has been shaken and it is hard to recover from. Every little moment feels like it could turn tragic regardless of how prepared or safe we may be (I will do a more detailed post on this later).
The last time our nephews spent the night was the weekend before Cooper died & we had THE best weekend. We played, we shopped, we painted canvas pictures for the boys’ room and so much laughter filled our home that weekend. I replay that weekend often as it was the first time Cooper was really old enough to understand what a sleepover was. He was so enthralled with his cousins and I don’t think any of them went a moment without smiling. I can imagine this last weekend was emotional for them as well. Although they have been to the house many times since the accident we tend to stay downstairs. I could tell in the moment that my 5 year old nephew looked at the playroom with this look in his eyes of wanting to go in but not knowing how I would react. I haven’t been able to allow anyone to play with Coopers toys up until this weekend. Benton and I sat in Coopers room and built another toy car to go next to the one Cooper had built with his daddy just a few weeks prior. Benton was so excited to set his car next to Coopers and truly played with his toys in such a delicate way. I mean he’s a 5 year old boy who is just as wild as Cooper was, in fact my sister in law and I have always joked about those two giving us a run for our money. But, I couldn’t help but feel emotional for him as well beings the last time he touched those toys was with Cooper. It seems so silly and minuscule when I say it out loud but we had a breakthrough this weekend for all of us. Like I said I wasn’t prepared for some of the emotions and feelings I felt but I was able to work through them without having any major meltdowns (win for me). It was a reminder that Dave & I will one day make amazing parents again but the loss of Cooper will always be there. The grief I felt for my nephews this weekend was the hardest. I have watched them have their moments of pain and emotions without the ability to make it go away. Sometimes I think that the people that are grieving around you get forgotten in this process.
All in all, the days of grief have started to spread out but the wave of grief seems to be stronger when it hits. It almost has gotten worse in a way. Just as you start to feel “normal” you’re hit with the reality of what your new normal is and for me the sudden gut punch is harder to deal with than the day to day current of grief I was previously in. I have learned to manage my triggers, understand what anxiety is and how to talk myself out of it and when to say no (my therapist is a miracle worker I swear). Managing these milestones isn’t always easy but it is always necessary to celebrate them. I am very open about our lows and our highs because I think they both play a significant role in how we heal as individuals as well as a team.
Although fear tried to invade my brain & overtake my thoughts this weekend I was ultimately reminded that Dave & I are good parents who had a terrible accident happen to us. No matter what anyone else says or thinks about our situation at the end of the day all that matters is that we still trust & love each other and know we were and are good parents.
I guess where I am going with this is that no matter what happens God has a plan. No matter how hard we try to prevent tragedy it happens & what we learn from it shapes us to be who we are. I choose to be kind, I choose to show myself and everyone I know grace, I choose to not take this heartache I feel and turn it into a negative message. I am thankful for moments like this last weekend where I am tested and shown that my faith in God continues to overpower my fears and doubts I have within myself. I know that Dave & I will continue to grow and hit each milestone as a united front. I know that God will continue to show us the way & that no matter how hard it may be he will always get us through.
I hope that as I continue to share my experience of our grief journey that I can help just one person not feel alone. I hope that I am able to connect with just one person and help them understand that it sucks but it does become manageable. I am hopeful that we as a team are able to continue to bless the people around us like we were blessed during our lowest lows. Thank you to everyone who continues to support & love us through this crazy process.
-For The Love Of Coop
May 4, 2021
8 months have passed since we lost our baby and while it seems like so long, it’s such a short amount of time. The thing I struggle with the most daily is feeling like I should be able to function like I used to. I get frustrated when I don’t have the energy I feel like I should or my mind and body are telling me to stop and allow myself to recover. I used to live for our weekends at home in our comfy clothes playing all day and now I’m debating a weekend job sometimes just to keep my mind occupied (ok not really 😂). Finding the balance between recovering from grief and finding a new normal is hard and I don’t think it’s fully understood until you’ve really lived it. There are so many triggers and emotions that happen daily for anyone going through grief, trauma or change & learning a new normal is difficult with so many ups and downs.
In 8 months we’ve faced a lot of milestones, gotten through a lot of holidays and done a lot of firsts. The most recent one was taking care of kids alone for the first time since Cooper died. I hadn’t even thought twice about it until this panic came over me when I was driving to pick up my nephews this last weekend…the what if’s invaded my brain and I truly panicked over being a “mom” for the first time since he died. I’ve never doubted myself as a mom. I’ve never doubted my husband as a dad (nor do I now)…but I wasn’t prepared for the panic of what if. What if someone hits us on the freeway, what if they fall off their one wheel, what if, what if, what if. It finally went away when I got those boys to the house and we played and rode one wheels around the neighborhood for hours and I watched them just be kids. But that moment of sheer panic took me by surprise…I wasn’t prepared for it. Our blind faith has been shaken and it is hard to recover from. Every little moment feels like it could turn tragic regardless of how prepared or safe we may be (I will do a more detailed post on this later).
The last time our nephews spent the night was the weekend before Cooper died & we had THE best weekend. We played, we shopped, we painted canvas pictures for the boys’ room and so much laughter filled our home that weekend. I replay that weekend often as it was the first time Cooper was really old enough to understand what a sleepover was. He was so enthralled with his cousins and I don’t think any of them went a moment without smiling. I can imagine this last weekend was emotional for them as well. Although they have been to the house many times since the accident we tend to stay downstairs. I could tell in the moment that my 5 year old nephew looked at the playroom with this look in his eyes of wanting to go in but not knowing how I would react. I haven’t been able to allow anyone to play with Coopers toys up until this weekend. Benton and I sat in Coopers room and built another toy car to go next to the one Cooper had built with his daddy just a few weeks prior. Benton was so excited to set his car next to Coopers and truly played with his toys in such a delicate way. I mean he’s a 5 year old boy who is just as wild as Cooper was, in fact my sister in law and I have always joked about those two giving us a run for our money. But, I couldn’t help but feel emotional for him as well beings the last time he touched those toys was with Cooper. It seems so silly and minuscule when I say it out loud but we had a breakthrough this weekend for all of us. Like I said I wasn’t prepared for some of the emotions and feelings I felt but I was able to work through them without having any major meltdowns (win for me). It was a reminder that Dave & I will one day make amazing parents again but the loss of Cooper will always be there. The grief I felt for my nephews this weekend was the hardest. I have watched them have their moments of pain and emotions without the ability to make it go away. Sometimes I think that the people that are grieving around you get forgotten in this process.
All in all, the days of grief have started to spread out but the wave of grief seems to be stronger when it hits. It almost has gotten worse in a way. Just as you start to feel “normal” you’re hit with the reality of what your new normal is and for me the sudden gut punch is harder to deal with than the day to day current of grief I was previously in. I have learned to manage my triggers, understand what anxiety is and how to talk myself out of it and when to say no (my therapist is a miracle worker I swear). Managing these milestones isn’t always easy but it is always necessary to celebrate them. I am very open about our lows and our highs because I think they both play a significant role in how we heal as individuals as well as a team.
Although fear tried to invade my brain & overtake my thoughts this weekend I was ultimately reminded that Dave & I are good parents who had a terrible accident happen to us. No matter what anyone else says or thinks about our situation at the end of the day all that matters is that we still trust & love each other and know we were and are good parents.
I guess where I am going with this is that no matter what happens God has a plan. No matter how hard we try to prevent tragedy it happens & what we learn from it shapes us to be who we are. I choose to be kind, I choose to show myself and everyone I know grace, I choose to not take this heartache I feel and turn it into a negative message. I am thankful for moments like this last weekend where I am tested and shown that my faith in God continues to overpower my fears and doubts I have within myself. I know that Dave & I will continue to grow and hit each milestone as a united front. I know that God will continue to show us the way & that no matter how hard it may be he will always get us through.
I hope that as I continue to share my experience of our grief journey that I can help just one person not feel alone. I hope that I am able to connect with just one person and help them understand that it sucks but it does become manageable. I am hopeful that we as a team are able to continue to bless the people around us like we were blessed during our lowest lows. Thank you to everyone who continues to support & love us through this crazy process.
-For The Love Of Coop