A N G E R
Share
Life has been hectic the last few months. We always have ran around and had things to do and places to be but always by choice. Dave & I have faced struggles in our days that caused our foundation to shake but never like what we have endured the past 9 months. Many people didn’t know but about 6 weeks after we lost Cooper my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It went from oh it’s nothing to worry about to you’ll need a lumpectomy to no you’ll need a double mastectomy to you’ll need a double mastectomy and chemo for 12 weeks post surgery. I honestly thought I was going to lose my mom because the bad news never quit coming. In the midst of that my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were told we had 2 years, she died May 13th.
Honestly, I felt angry the night my grandma died. I felt angry for my dad and uncles who got robbed of more time. I felt angry for my grandpa who lost his wife of 60+ years. I felt angry that I was at peace knowing my baby had one of his GiGi's with him in heaven to take care of him. I was angry that I felt so numb to life that I felt selfish I didn't have more emotion. I was angry that my family couldn't just get a break. I felt like no matter how strong my faith stayed, how nice I continued to be, no matter how positive I stayed, no matter how much I fought my anger, I was angry that we once again were faced with tragedy. Its taken me some time to really allow those emotions to come to the surface but I’ve been angry. I am angry that we allowed Cooper on the mower, I am angry that my mom had to lose her grandson and face cancer, I am angry that my dad lost his grandson, felt like he was going to lose his wife and lost his mother all within 8 months of each other. I am angry that my family has yet to feel like we can catch our breath. I am angry that my little sister had to stay strong for so long when she should have been grieving. I am angry that my closest friends have to deal with our accident and worry about what could happen to their own family.
What they don’t tell you about trauma is that once you’ve experienced it once that doesn’t mean you can’t experience it again, right away. There isn’t a book or anyone in the world that can prepare you for the emotions you feel after you lose someone or something so precious you’d give your own life to save. There is nothing in the world that prepares you for the months after where you are forced to live a normal life and be a normal person when you aren’t anymore. There isn’t a guideline on grief or trauma. It’s just you trying to figure out how to be a normal person during a really crappy time.
Now that life has slowed down a bit and I have had some time to really allow some of my emotions to come to the surface I realize how much has changed, not only for me but the people around me. I actually have a friend who still doesn’t sleep because she worries about her children in the next room. My family still panics a little if one of us doesn’t answer our phones (I mean we’ve always been that way but its real bad now ;)). We over think so many of the simple tasks we do because what if something happens. I still get anxious when my husband leaves for work or is late getting home. I still panic if I can’t get home fast enough to be in my safe space. You aren’t ever prepared for the what ifs.
The anger will consume you at times. I get angry when I see a tragic story and people in the comments are so horrible to them. Not only because I know how it feels to be judged based on a one paragraph inaccurate article but I get angry at myself because silently, I was that person. I can specifically remember reading about a child dying after getting hit in a parking lot and I thought who lets their child run in a parking lot? I kissed Coopers forehead and thought about how lucky I was that I didn’t have to worry about that. I once was that mom who felt like I could protect my child from everything. I get angry when I see people still putting their child on the lawn mower, riding them around in the tractor or trailer, letting them run around while machines are moving.
I don’t talk about the day Cooper died much…one day I will tell the story but until then, I will say we thought we were being safe too. Cooper had eye and ear protection, his own little seat on the mower that was covered with a towel so his little bottom didn’t get too hot on the metal. We thought we had it all figured out because we grew up riding on lawn mowers. We grew up helping with tractors and yard work and riding in the back of dads truck to the store to grab more supplies. We thought we were being safe, doing something we all do at some point. We thought we were protected because of course we had it all figured out. Yet, even though Dave & I believe in God, have good jobs, provide a wonderful life for our family, have a stable marriage…tragedy still struck. Everyone has an opinion on our choices and I’ll touch on that later but I hate to see that anyone takes any moment for granted due to judgement of a tragedy. I hate to see anyone say oh well they could have or should have and make the same mistake because they felt like they were being safe. It isn’t just about lawn mowers, anything could happen to take a loved one away. But, I wish more people would learn from our accident.
My anger comes and goes. It isn’t directed at anyone, I am just angry. I am angry that my family has endured so much and I can’t fix it. I am angry that we all feel so lost and broken but have to continue on everyday like everything is okay because that is what society expects. To some it was a lifetime ago that we started down this path but for us it is still yesterday. I am angry when I see people complain about their children on social media or tell people to come get their kids because they can’t handle them anymore. I know, I know. I needed days off, I remember being frustrated, I remember crying and feeling horrible after I disciplined my child. I am in no way parent shaming or trying to offend anyone because I also was that mom. Which is why I get angry, I wasted so much time being frustrated. I know we still have to raise these kids…but they see our frustration and anger. They feel it. Imagine if you got into an argument with your child before school and then they didn’t come home from school. The last thing you told them was how angry you were about the mistake they made or how you wished you could just have a break or how you wished they could be more like someone else. It’s easy for me to say now that I am seeing in hindsight and I am not living the day to day frustrations of rising children but…take it from me, I think about the day Cooper died EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It runs through my head like a movie. We got up, we danced, I said goodbye and kissed him, he said I love you mommy and off I went. I think of so many mornings that I was frustrated because we were behind or because he was cranky and how I would drop him off and think finally I can think. I still cry over the moments I feel like I got too frustrated or I feel I was too hard on him because I hope he knew how much I truly loved him. I am grateful his last morning was a good morning and the last thing I got from him was a kiss and an I love you.
If I have one message for this post it is that life is too short to waste a single moment. Tragedy comes when you least expect it, it doesn’t wait for you to apologize or for you to be ready & it doesn’t care how safe you think you are. It just hits. Call your mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, cousin & tell them how much you love them. Show them, don’t miss a moment together with your family. Don’t take a single moment for granted, never depart angry and always say I love you. And remember, your children are going to make mistakes, test your limits and cause you pain. They are humans learning to be adults, while it is our job to raise them it is also our job to love them through it. Remember, your time is short. You have approximately 18 years to shape your tiny human into the person they want to be & make all the lasting memories you can. Don’t take those years for granted, don’t wait until tomorrow and don’t waste them being angry or frustrated. (Easier said than done right ;)).
My anger will pass. My counselor tells me its normal to feel angry at life at times. I try to remind myself that grief isn’t linear, there is no timeline and my grief journey is my grief journey. It is okay to be angry, sad, happy, joyful. It is okay for me to feel like myself again, it is okay for me to not think about missing Cooper every moment of everyday. It is okay for me to be able to move forward and start a new chapter of life. It is okay to not be okay & it is okay to be okay.
To anyone going through grief I am here to tell you that it is okay to feel. It is okay to need to take time for yourself, allow yourself moments and don’t allow anyone else to shape your journey for you. There is no right or wrong way to grief. It is in fact okay to be angry. Don't hide your feelings to make others happy, your grief is your grief and how you cope is only decided by you.
To our tribe-We love you all. From the moment you found out about our baby you didn’t miss a beat. You haven’t left and you still show up even when its inconvenient. Thank you for reminding us that we aren’t in this alone, thank you for wiping our tears, calming our anxiety, paying our bills, brining food & coffee, taking us out of the house, reminding us that we are worthy and allowing us to figure out this new life. Thank you for helping us to move forward and be as okay as we can be on a daily basis. Thank you for checking in and not forgetting that we still need you. We are sorry we changed your lives too. We wish we could go back and make it different, but know that we will forever be grateful for all of you. As we continue down this journey we hope we continue to live spontaneously, continue to show grace when it’s needed, remind each other how much we love each other & continue to find the positive in every tragedy.
To my mama-You are the strongest person I know. Thank you for showing us exactly what true strength really is. Thank you for being my rock even when I know it wasn't easy. I am so lucky that you're my best friend.
-For The Love of Coop
Honestly, I felt angry the night my grandma died. I felt angry for my dad and uncles who got robbed of more time. I felt angry for my grandpa who lost his wife of 60+ years. I felt angry that I was at peace knowing my baby had one of his GiGi's with him in heaven to take care of him. I was angry that I felt so numb to life that I felt selfish I didn't have more emotion. I was angry that my family couldn't just get a break. I felt like no matter how strong my faith stayed, how nice I continued to be, no matter how positive I stayed, no matter how much I fought my anger, I was angry that we once again were faced with tragedy. Its taken me some time to really allow those emotions to come to the surface but I’ve been angry. I am angry that we allowed Cooper on the mower, I am angry that my mom had to lose her grandson and face cancer, I am angry that my dad lost his grandson, felt like he was going to lose his wife and lost his mother all within 8 months of each other. I am angry that my family has yet to feel like we can catch our breath. I am angry that my little sister had to stay strong for so long when she should have been grieving. I am angry that my closest friends have to deal with our accident and worry about what could happen to their own family.
What they don’t tell you about trauma is that once you’ve experienced it once that doesn’t mean you can’t experience it again, right away. There isn’t a book or anyone in the world that can prepare you for the emotions you feel after you lose someone or something so precious you’d give your own life to save. There is nothing in the world that prepares you for the months after where you are forced to live a normal life and be a normal person when you aren’t anymore. There isn’t a guideline on grief or trauma. It’s just you trying to figure out how to be a normal person during a really crappy time.
Now that life has slowed down a bit and I have had some time to really allow some of my emotions to come to the surface I realize how much has changed, not only for me but the people around me. I actually have a friend who still doesn’t sleep because she worries about her children in the next room. My family still panics a little if one of us doesn’t answer our phones (I mean we’ve always been that way but its real bad now ;)). We over think so many of the simple tasks we do because what if something happens. I still get anxious when my husband leaves for work or is late getting home. I still panic if I can’t get home fast enough to be in my safe space. You aren’t ever prepared for the what ifs.
The anger will consume you at times. I get angry when I see a tragic story and people in the comments are so horrible to them. Not only because I know how it feels to be judged based on a one paragraph inaccurate article but I get angry at myself because silently, I was that person. I can specifically remember reading about a child dying after getting hit in a parking lot and I thought who lets their child run in a parking lot? I kissed Coopers forehead and thought about how lucky I was that I didn’t have to worry about that. I once was that mom who felt like I could protect my child from everything. I get angry when I see people still putting their child on the lawn mower, riding them around in the tractor or trailer, letting them run around while machines are moving.
I don’t talk about the day Cooper died much…one day I will tell the story but until then, I will say we thought we were being safe too. Cooper had eye and ear protection, his own little seat on the mower that was covered with a towel so his little bottom didn’t get too hot on the metal. We thought we had it all figured out because we grew up riding on lawn mowers. We grew up helping with tractors and yard work and riding in the back of dads truck to the store to grab more supplies. We thought we were being safe, doing something we all do at some point. We thought we were protected because of course we had it all figured out. Yet, even though Dave & I believe in God, have good jobs, provide a wonderful life for our family, have a stable marriage…tragedy still struck. Everyone has an opinion on our choices and I’ll touch on that later but I hate to see that anyone takes any moment for granted due to judgement of a tragedy. I hate to see anyone say oh well they could have or should have and make the same mistake because they felt like they were being safe. It isn’t just about lawn mowers, anything could happen to take a loved one away. But, I wish more people would learn from our accident.
My anger comes and goes. It isn’t directed at anyone, I am just angry. I am angry that my family has endured so much and I can’t fix it. I am angry that we all feel so lost and broken but have to continue on everyday like everything is okay because that is what society expects. To some it was a lifetime ago that we started down this path but for us it is still yesterday. I am angry when I see people complain about their children on social media or tell people to come get their kids because they can’t handle them anymore. I know, I know. I needed days off, I remember being frustrated, I remember crying and feeling horrible after I disciplined my child. I am in no way parent shaming or trying to offend anyone because I also was that mom. Which is why I get angry, I wasted so much time being frustrated. I know we still have to raise these kids…but they see our frustration and anger. They feel it. Imagine if you got into an argument with your child before school and then they didn’t come home from school. The last thing you told them was how angry you were about the mistake they made or how you wished you could just have a break or how you wished they could be more like someone else. It’s easy for me to say now that I am seeing in hindsight and I am not living the day to day frustrations of rising children but…take it from me, I think about the day Cooper died EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It runs through my head like a movie. We got up, we danced, I said goodbye and kissed him, he said I love you mommy and off I went. I think of so many mornings that I was frustrated because we were behind or because he was cranky and how I would drop him off and think finally I can think. I still cry over the moments I feel like I got too frustrated or I feel I was too hard on him because I hope he knew how much I truly loved him. I am grateful his last morning was a good morning and the last thing I got from him was a kiss and an I love you.
If I have one message for this post it is that life is too short to waste a single moment. Tragedy comes when you least expect it, it doesn’t wait for you to apologize or for you to be ready & it doesn’t care how safe you think you are. It just hits. Call your mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, cousin & tell them how much you love them. Show them, don’t miss a moment together with your family. Don’t take a single moment for granted, never depart angry and always say I love you. And remember, your children are going to make mistakes, test your limits and cause you pain. They are humans learning to be adults, while it is our job to raise them it is also our job to love them through it. Remember, your time is short. You have approximately 18 years to shape your tiny human into the person they want to be & make all the lasting memories you can. Don’t take those years for granted, don’t wait until tomorrow and don’t waste them being angry or frustrated. (Easier said than done right ;)).
My anger will pass. My counselor tells me its normal to feel angry at life at times. I try to remind myself that grief isn’t linear, there is no timeline and my grief journey is my grief journey. It is okay to be angry, sad, happy, joyful. It is okay for me to feel like myself again, it is okay for me to not think about missing Cooper every moment of everyday. It is okay for me to be able to move forward and start a new chapter of life. It is okay to not be okay & it is okay to be okay.
To anyone going through grief I am here to tell you that it is okay to feel. It is okay to need to take time for yourself, allow yourself moments and don’t allow anyone else to shape your journey for you. There is no right or wrong way to grief. It is in fact okay to be angry. Don't hide your feelings to make others happy, your grief is your grief and how you cope is only decided by you.
To our tribe-We love you all. From the moment you found out about our baby you didn’t miss a beat. You haven’t left and you still show up even when its inconvenient. Thank you for reminding us that we aren’t in this alone, thank you for wiping our tears, calming our anxiety, paying our bills, brining food & coffee, taking us out of the house, reminding us that we are worthy and allowing us to figure out this new life. Thank you for helping us to move forward and be as okay as we can be on a daily basis. Thank you for checking in and not forgetting that we still need you. We are sorry we changed your lives too. We wish we could go back and make it different, but know that we will forever be grateful for all of you. As we continue down this journey we hope we continue to live spontaneously, continue to show grace when it’s needed, remind each other how much we love each other & continue to find the positive in every tragedy.
To my mama-You are the strongest person I know. Thank you for showing us exactly what true strength really is. Thank you for being my rock even when I know it wasn't easy. I am so lucky that you're my best friend.
-For The Love of Coop