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I’m tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I’m tired. I am not used to being tired. I am not used to saying no or needing to slow down. I’m not used to triggers that cause me to relive my pain. I’m not used to being awake until 4 am and having to try and find the strength to get out of bed for work at 7 am. I’m not used to being a lost friend, a distanced daughter, an out of touch wife. I’m not used to needing help keeping up the house, running my gas tank on empty until I know I’m gonna break down, eating out 5 nights a week because I don’t have the energy to cook a meal. I’m not used to forgetting to reply or not caring if I forget something. I’m not used to this new me.
When Cooper died a huge piece of me went with him. My motivation and reason to survive the hard days left me. I felt like I had nothing more to live for. A part of me died with him that day. I’ve never felt the emptiness or brokenness I’ve felt every day since the day he died. I’ve never felt this sense of exhaustion. I’ve never felt so content with being alone in my bed. I’ve never felt so alone in the world. I’ve changed. Dave has changed. Our marriage has changed. The way I walk the grocery store changed, my weekend routine changed, the way I drive home after work has changed. I’ve changed so much I don’t recognize myself sometimes. Physically I’ve gained more weight. Mentally I’ve slowed down. Emotionally I’ve lost touch. I’ve changed. Everything has changed and change is hard to accept.
We have had to learn to live with the grief and loss we feel. We’ve learned to smile thru the pain, laugh thru the hardest times, push thru the days that feel like they will never end. We’ve learned to hide some of our grief from the world because it’s easier that way. Although I’ve continued to talk about Cooper everyday & I’ve tried to be as open and honest as I can about our journey I have started to hold back a little. I feel like I drag on the sadness because I continue to talk about the accident. I don’t want to be that mom that can’t move on from her grief. I don’t want to be the mom that can’t go a day without brining someone down. I don’t want to be that friend that no one invites because she always has something sad to say or the coworker that everyone runs from because she is always making it about her life. It’s a hard balance. Something that has been really hard for me to accept about grief is that after life has gone back to normal for the rest of the world it won’t for us. I don’t mean because we don’t want it to because trust me we’d give anything to turn back the clock and change how our story went. It’s hard to talk about the fact that we are still having late night sob sessions, quiet car rides on the way home from an event because we are both trying not to cry knowing how much he would have enjoyed said event. While we watch life go back to normal for everyone else we are still stuck with the harsh reality that no matter how much time passes, we have changed. Our lives and focus have changed.
It’s hard to accept this new person I’ve become, that Dave has become, the way our life & relationships with others have changed. When I think about how much has actually changed I try to remember that it hasn’t all been bad. But, when you aren’t prepared to make life changes or alter the person you are it is a hard reality to face everyday. If I’ve learned one thing it’s grace. I talk about grace a lot but it is so important. I have A L W A Y S spent so much time worried about everyone else feelings, putting my own aside to please the world. I stretched myself so thin at times I am not even sure how my husband dealt with me ;). I have had to learn to allow myself grace and by grace I mean allow myself to sleep even when I have things to do. Allow myself to say no because it isn’t in my best interest. Allowing myself days at home without much communication to the outside world to allow my brain and heart to rest. I have learned that it is okay to not be okay. It’s giving my husband grace when he’s had a bad day. It’s giving the person serving my coffee grace when they are behind and frustrated. It’s allowing the angered family member at work grace when they are screaming at me on the phone. It’s giving my family grace when they are struggling. But most of all…it’s giving myself grace to realize that I lost my son. A pain most people will thankfully NEVER know. It's reminding myself that it has only been 8.5 months, not even as long as he was in my belly. It is reminding myself that child loss doesn’t come with a handbook or a timeline. It’s allowing myself time to recover, regroup, learn to love the new me & allowing myself the time to figure out this new path were on.
With all of this I have thought so much about what is actually important to me. The accident actually opened my eyes to a lot of things that were missing inside of me. I look for positives that have come out of Cooper’s death and I can say his death showed me what grace was. We spend so much time in life worried about being perfect, running around to make it to every event, hiding our feelings because we are worried about what the world may think. We worry about instagram likes, Facebook shares, picture perfect pictures and outfits and houses and who drives the most expensive car. I am here to tell you to S T O P. When someone dies the last thing people think about is how perfect you or your life was. They remember how you made them feel. That’s it. Dave & I have worked SO hard to live a comfortable life & we are beyond blessed but I promise the car I drove, the house I lived in, how much money was in our bank account didn’t matter to a single person when Cooper died. None of it mattered because it isn’t what materialistic things you have that makes people love you or appreciate you. I wish the world could allow people more grace & acceptance of not being perfect. I wish messy houses, mom hair, having mental breakdowns, crying over hurt feelings, laughing over mistakes was normal. I wish that being nice even when someone else was grouchy was normal, that talking about getting mad at your spouse or your children is normal without the fear of judgement from the world. I wish that smiling at each other in the store, waving at people as we pass and helping each other was normal. I wish that life being messy was normal.
This life is short. SO short. I encourage you all to give yourself grace & take some time to think about what is really important in your life. Allow yourself to be okay with life not being picture perfect but perfect for you. Embrace the way life changes and see the positive in it. Don't allow yourself to live in the hurt and anger others may try to fill you with. As our journey continues to change us I strive to continue to give grace and change our legacy to be about how we didn't allow anger to destroy us but empower us to be better together. Life changes quickly and sometimes without warning but it doesn't have to all be bad.
Thank you for supporting us & following us on this crazy new journey.
-For The Love Of Coop
When Cooper died a huge piece of me went with him. My motivation and reason to survive the hard days left me. I felt like I had nothing more to live for. A part of me died with him that day. I’ve never felt the emptiness or brokenness I’ve felt every day since the day he died. I’ve never felt this sense of exhaustion. I’ve never felt so content with being alone in my bed. I’ve never felt so alone in the world. I’ve changed. Dave has changed. Our marriage has changed. The way I walk the grocery store changed, my weekend routine changed, the way I drive home after work has changed. I’ve changed so much I don’t recognize myself sometimes. Physically I’ve gained more weight. Mentally I’ve slowed down. Emotionally I’ve lost touch. I’ve changed. Everything has changed and change is hard to accept.
We have had to learn to live with the grief and loss we feel. We’ve learned to smile thru the pain, laugh thru the hardest times, push thru the days that feel like they will never end. We’ve learned to hide some of our grief from the world because it’s easier that way. Although I’ve continued to talk about Cooper everyday & I’ve tried to be as open and honest as I can about our journey I have started to hold back a little. I feel like I drag on the sadness because I continue to talk about the accident. I don’t want to be that mom that can’t move on from her grief. I don’t want to be the mom that can’t go a day without brining someone down. I don’t want to be that friend that no one invites because she always has something sad to say or the coworker that everyone runs from because she is always making it about her life. It’s a hard balance. Something that has been really hard for me to accept about grief is that after life has gone back to normal for the rest of the world it won’t for us. I don’t mean because we don’t want it to because trust me we’d give anything to turn back the clock and change how our story went. It’s hard to talk about the fact that we are still having late night sob sessions, quiet car rides on the way home from an event because we are both trying not to cry knowing how much he would have enjoyed said event. While we watch life go back to normal for everyone else we are still stuck with the harsh reality that no matter how much time passes, we have changed. Our lives and focus have changed.
It’s hard to accept this new person I’ve become, that Dave has become, the way our life & relationships with others have changed. When I think about how much has actually changed I try to remember that it hasn’t all been bad. But, when you aren’t prepared to make life changes or alter the person you are it is a hard reality to face everyday. If I’ve learned one thing it’s grace. I talk about grace a lot but it is so important. I have A L W A Y S spent so much time worried about everyone else feelings, putting my own aside to please the world. I stretched myself so thin at times I am not even sure how my husband dealt with me ;). I have had to learn to allow myself grace and by grace I mean allow myself to sleep even when I have things to do. Allow myself to say no because it isn’t in my best interest. Allowing myself days at home without much communication to the outside world to allow my brain and heart to rest. I have learned that it is okay to not be okay. It’s giving my husband grace when he’s had a bad day. It’s giving the person serving my coffee grace when they are behind and frustrated. It’s allowing the angered family member at work grace when they are screaming at me on the phone. It’s giving my family grace when they are struggling. But most of all…it’s giving myself grace to realize that I lost my son. A pain most people will thankfully NEVER know. It's reminding myself that it has only been 8.5 months, not even as long as he was in my belly. It is reminding myself that child loss doesn’t come with a handbook or a timeline. It’s allowing myself time to recover, regroup, learn to love the new me & allowing myself the time to figure out this new path were on.
With all of this I have thought so much about what is actually important to me. The accident actually opened my eyes to a lot of things that were missing inside of me. I look for positives that have come out of Cooper’s death and I can say his death showed me what grace was. We spend so much time in life worried about being perfect, running around to make it to every event, hiding our feelings because we are worried about what the world may think. We worry about instagram likes, Facebook shares, picture perfect pictures and outfits and houses and who drives the most expensive car. I am here to tell you to S T O P. When someone dies the last thing people think about is how perfect you or your life was. They remember how you made them feel. That’s it. Dave & I have worked SO hard to live a comfortable life & we are beyond blessed but I promise the car I drove, the house I lived in, how much money was in our bank account didn’t matter to a single person when Cooper died. None of it mattered because it isn’t what materialistic things you have that makes people love you or appreciate you. I wish the world could allow people more grace & acceptance of not being perfect. I wish messy houses, mom hair, having mental breakdowns, crying over hurt feelings, laughing over mistakes was normal. I wish that being nice even when someone else was grouchy was normal, that talking about getting mad at your spouse or your children is normal without the fear of judgement from the world. I wish that smiling at each other in the store, waving at people as we pass and helping each other was normal. I wish that life being messy was normal.
This life is short. SO short. I encourage you all to give yourself grace & take some time to think about what is really important in your life. Allow yourself to be okay with life not being picture perfect but perfect for you. Embrace the way life changes and see the positive in it. Don't allow yourself to live in the hurt and anger others may try to fill you with. As our journey continues to change us I strive to continue to give grace and change our legacy to be about how we didn't allow anger to destroy us but empower us to be better together. Life changes quickly and sometimes without warning but it doesn't have to all be bad.
Thank you for supporting us & following us on this crazy new journey.
-For The Love Of Coop