G U I L T
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Guilt can be defined as the feeling of responsibility of actions or feeling like something that happened is your fault. Have you ever felt guilty for an action you did? Or felt guilty for something you had said or the way you acted? Have you ever felt responsible for something that had an unforeseen outcome?
My answer is every single day since August 31st. Not just because we as parents made a choice but for every single time I lost my patience. Every time I was tired after work and didn’t get up to play with him. Every time I put him to bed and left to go do something else. Every time I left him a little later with daycare because I had to finish working. Every time I became frustrated and yelled. Every shift of overtime I worked rather than spent time with him. Every time I refused to go out in the rain and play. Every time I let him cry it out. Every time I left for work irritated because I was late. Every time I argued with my husband in front of him. I could keep going and going and going but you get the point.
Guilt consumes me. In a different way than it does Dave. We both deal with the feelings of guilt surrounding Coopers death but in very different ways. I feel guilty that I didn’t stay home that day. I feel guilty that I can’t take the pain away from my husband because I so badly want to carry that weight for him. Sometimes I wish the roles would have been reversed and that I could carry the burden for us both. I feel guilty when I have a good day and when I have a bad day. I feel guilty when I find myself laughing, joking, thinking about having more kids. I feel guilty when I have a breakdown because I know it hurts the people around me to see me struggle. Guilt is a beast of its own and it haunts us.
I have always had a soft heart. I still stress about things I said to people in middle school because I hurt their feelings. I have always put up a tough front but I secretly cry about the things that hurt me in my room alone where no one can judge me. When Cooper died I went into protection mode. I can remember walking up to Dave and I didn’t even cry. In fact, I didn’t cry until I saw my little sister running down the driveway to me and it suddenly got real. The one person who is exactly like me was crying but I could tell she was trying so hard to be strong for me because I told her she had to be. A guilt I had never felt before hit me like a ton of bricks and I can remember thinking this is my fault.
My husband sobbed the words “I’m sorry” for days. The guilt he carries is so much different than mine. I can hardly even imagine the tip of the iceberg of guilt he carries. What he sees every time he’s is reminded of Cooper. What he sees every time he drives down our driveway (we contemplated moving but…this is coopers home and we both have a sense of comfort knowing this is what he knew). My husband is a freaking warrior though and I’ll touch more on that another day. The guilt and remorse we carry is different but it has changed us both and the way we view life.
As a mom it’s hard not to worry. Did he feel loved enough? Did he know how much he meant to us? Does he know we would have saved him if we could? Does he know that I’m sorry I lost my cool? Does he know that I was just trying my best? Did he know that he was my world? My answer when I’m thinking logically is yes…of course he did because he was always the happiest dude and the way he looked at me and snuggled right into me every night reminds me he knew. But the emotions and guilt set in and try to tell you differently.
Through counseling we’ve been able to understand our guilt and why we have it, how to manage it and what triggers cause it. It doesn’t make it go away but we’ve learned to adapt to having it part of our everyday life. I think at some point everyone has something they feel guilty about and it’s hard to shake the guilt until you can make it right. We’re both fully aware this can’t be made right so we’ve adapted. Something my counselor has told me is that I can’t live in the guilt. I can’t live saying oh I should have or I could have or if I would have…because that doesn’t change the situation now. Hindsight is always 20/20 right? I think as our children grow up we all question our ways at some point. We all ask them did you know? Did you understand? Do you get it? I know that Dave & I will never get that from Cooper and that’s hard sometimes, I think as parents we want to know our kids understood our love.
I’ve come to realize it’s okay to feel guilty about things but I can’t live there. We fight guilt everyday. We have to talk ourselves out of that hole of guilt everyday. We are forced to remind ourselves that this wasn’t our plan nor was it our “fault”. I think we both really took to heart the judgement of other people on our situation and we both still worry about what people say about us and our choices. We’re human. It’s hard to not take the hurtful stuff to heart.
While I know we are both amazing parents and loved our boy so much it’s hard to not feel guilty about the little things in his short life. I wish I would have spent more time playing and less time worried about cleaning. I wish I would have had more patience and less time rushing around. I wish I would have spent more time listening to the sound of his laugh and less time focused on shows or social media. We both wish we would have spent less time working and more time making memories. We both hope and pray he knows how much he was loved.
Your children are only little for so long. They are only impressionable and under your care for a short amount of time. It’s our job to teach them how to survive in the world. It’s our job to show them how to be independent and intelligent and hardworking and patient and kind. It’s our job to show them the ways of life and help them through their firsts. I just wish I had spent a little more time making memories.
You’re going to question how you do things no matter how you do them. There will always be a sense of what if or had I done because we’re human and parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. But, slow down. These children are only little one time. Take the pictures, color with them, watch the same movie over and over, laugh with them, get down and play barbies or cars or doctor with them. Let them crawl in bed with you, eat snacks later than usual, stay up late on the weekends, go to the store with you, take them out on dates & buy them the extra toy. You’re not spoiling them by giving in sometimes. You’re loving them. Don’t ever waste a moment to make a memory. Guilt isn’t a fun place to be & it’s hard to fight. It’s hard to move on from & it’s hard to let go of. So don’t take a chance of living in guilt and just make the best of what you have. The cars, clothes & fancy things aren’t going to take your guilt away. It isn’t ever going to replace your love and affection and it certainly won’t make memories. So live simply. Love hard & make more memories than you can possibly remember in a day because one day you’ll be happy you did.
Mommas-stay strong. This world is hard. The expectations are hard to live up to but if you are loving and making memories with your babies everyday you’re doing it right. I know right now it seems tough but hang in there. The years are short. Take it from a grieving mother.
-For the Love of Coop
My answer is every single day since August 31st. Not just because we as parents made a choice but for every single time I lost my patience. Every time I was tired after work and didn’t get up to play with him. Every time I put him to bed and left to go do something else. Every time I left him a little later with daycare because I had to finish working. Every time I became frustrated and yelled. Every shift of overtime I worked rather than spent time with him. Every time I refused to go out in the rain and play. Every time I let him cry it out. Every time I left for work irritated because I was late. Every time I argued with my husband in front of him. I could keep going and going and going but you get the point.
Guilt consumes me. In a different way than it does Dave. We both deal with the feelings of guilt surrounding Coopers death but in very different ways. I feel guilty that I didn’t stay home that day. I feel guilty that I can’t take the pain away from my husband because I so badly want to carry that weight for him. Sometimes I wish the roles would have been reversed and that I could carry the burden for us both. I feel guilty when I have a good day and when I have a bad day. I feel guilty when I find myself laughing, joking, thinking about having more kids. I feel guilty when I have a breakdown because I know it hurts the people around me to see me struggle. Guilt is a beast of its own and it haunts us.
I have always had a soft heart. I still stress about things I said to people in middle school because I hurt their feelings. I have always put up a tough front but I secretly cry about the things that hurt me in my room alone where no one can judge me. When Cooper died I went into protection mode. I can remember walking up to Dave and I didn’t even cry. In fact, I didn’t cry until I saw my little sister running down the driveway to me and it suddenly got real. The one person who is exactly like me was crying but I could tell she was trying so hard to be strong for me because I told her she had to be. A guilt I had never felt before hit me like a ton of bricks and I can remember thinking this is my fault.
My husband sobbed the words “I’m sorry” for days. The guilt he carries is so much different than mine. I can hardly even imagine the tip of the iceberg of guilt he carries. What he sees every time he’s is reminded of Cooper. What he sees every time he drives down our driveway (we contemplated moving but…this is coopers home and we both have a sense of comfort knowing this is what he knew). My husband is a freaking warrior though and I’ll touch more on that another day. The guilt and remorse we carry is different but it has changed us both and the way we view life.
As a mom it’s hard not to worry. Did he feel loved enough? Did he know how much he meant to us? Does he know we would have saved him if we could? Does he know that I’m sorry I lost my cool? Does he know that I was just trying my best? Did he know that he was my world? My answer when I’m thinking logically is yes…of course he did because he was always the happiest dude and the way he looked at me and snuggled right into me every night reminds me he knew. But the emotions and guilt set in and try to tell you differently.
Through counseling we’ve been able to understand our guilt and why we have it, how to manage it and what triggers cause it. It doesn’t make it go away but we’ve learned to adapt to having it part of our everyday life. I think at some point everyone has something they feel guilty about and it’s hard to shake the guilt until you can make it right. We’re both fully aware this can’t be made right so we’ve adapted. Something my counselor has told me is that I can’t live in the guilt. I can’t live saying oh I should have or I could have or if I would have…because that doesn’t change the situation now. Hindsight is always 20/20 right? I think as our children grow up we all question our ways at some point. We all ask them did you know? Did you understand? Do you get it? I know that Dave & I will never get that from Cooper and that’s hard sometimes, I think as parents we want to know our kids understood our love.
I’ve come to realize it’s okay to feel guilty about things but I can’t live there. We fight guilt everyday. We have to talk ourselves out of that hole of guilt everyday. We are forced to remind ourselves that this wasn’t our plan nor was it our “fault”. I think we both really took to heart the judgement of other people on our situation and we both still worry about what people say about us and our choices. We’re human. It’s hard to not take the hurtful stuff to heart.
While I know we are both amazing parents and loved our boy so much it’s hard to not feel guilty about the little things in his short life. I wish I would have spent more time playing and less time worried about cleaning. I wish I would have had more patience and less time rushing around. I wish I would have spent more time listening to the sound of his laugh and less time focused on shows or social media. We both wish we would have spent less time working and more time making memories. We both hope and pray he knows how much he was loved.
Your children are only little for so long. They are only impressionable and under your care for a short amount of time. It’s our job to teach them how to survive in the world. It’s our job to show them how to be independent and intelligent and hardworking and patient and kind. It’s our job to show them the ways of life and help them through their firsts. I just wish I had spent a little more time making memories.
You’re going to question how you do things no matter how you do them. There will always be a sense of what if or had I done because we’re human and parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. But, slow down. These children are only little one time. Take the pictures, color with them, watch the same movie over and over, laugh with them, get down and play barbies or cars or doctor with them. Let them crawl in bed with you, eat snacks later than usual, stay up late on the weekends, go to the store with you, take them out on dates & buy them the extra toy. You’re not spoiling them by giving in sometimes. You’re loving them. Don’t ever waste a moment to make a memory. Guilt isn’t a fun place to be & it’s hard to fight. It’s hard to move on from & it’s hard to let go of. So don’t take a chance of living in guilt and just make the best of what you have. The cars, clothes & fancy things aren’t going to take your guilt away. It isn’t ever going to replace your love and affection and it certainly won’t make memories. So live simply. Love hard & make more memories than you can possibly remember in a day because one day you’ll be happy you did.
Mommas-stay strong. This world is hard. The expectations are hard to live up to but if you are loving and making memories with your babies everyday you’re doing it right. I know right now it seems tough but hang in there. The years are short. Take it from a grieving mother.
-For the Love of Coop