J U D G E M E N T

Whoa! It’s been awhile…I haven’t been on here in a bit. But, I have something to say…I haven’t addressed it before but I am TIRED of seeing it. I know it’s gonna blow peoples minds & it’s going to be controversial but I think we all need a little reminder about grace in this little life we live. 

Not every parent who loses a child is a bad parent.

Not every parent who loses a child is okay with their child being dead.

Not every parent who loses a child intentionally hurt their child.

 

I know! I know. It’s hard to wrap our brains around. From first hand experience…we don’t make a judgement call wanting, expecting, hoping or thinking our child is going to die. Most parents (and I mean most parents) attempt to prevent any harm that could happen to their child while still attempting to live life & have fun! 

I remember reading the comment section on social media when Cooper died & the things people said made me second guess life all together. People were actually horrendous! I couldn’t believe how judgmental people could be without knowing what kind of parents we were! Yet that seems to be the norm with every single child death I see outside of medical issues. Luckily the people around us reminded us that accidents happen, things out of our control do happen & sometimes God has a different plan for our life than we do.

Did you know the number one cause of toddler death is unintentional accidents? Defined on Google as “These include accidents like drowning, motor vehicle crashes, fires and burns, airway obstruction (choking/suffocation), and falls”.

“That was completely preventable” they say. Could we have made a different choice? Sure! Could we have kept Cooper off of a lawn mower and prevented him from dying that way? Absolutely. Does that mean it would have changed him dying altogether? I’ll never know. Does our child dying mean we saved every child from riding on a lawn mower because they could fall off and die? NOPE! People still do it everyday.

A mom feeds her 1 year old a grape, he chokes & dies…did she fail her child?

Moms still feed their children grapes everyday, despite knowing they could choke and die.

A dad takes his son out for a motorcycle ride & the child has all the protective equipment on…someone hits & kills them. Are the parents terrible because they allowed their child on the motorcycle?

Some of the people commenting horrible things have pictures of their children on motorcycles or ATVs without protective equipment on! Just because people die everyday on motorcycles, we haven’t stopped riding them. 

Mom & dad light a fire in the fireplace and start cooking dinner while their child is still napping. Child gets up & ends up with life threatening burns because they didn’t hear him get up & get into the fireplace. Should they be punished?

We still use fires. Our children our still quiet & sneaky. We haven’t prevented this yet.

Mom gets busy in the house & doesn’t hear her toddler sneak outside…toddler drowns in the nearest body of water. Did she fail to protect her child?

We still put up pools, buy boats, move next to rivers. Knowing there is a risk….we haven’t prevented drownings. 

Despite all the judgement and public scrutiny…we have yet to prevent all accidents from happening. 

All of these occurrences (including our own) could have had different outcomes. Every single one of these occurrences could have been prevented, if, as parents we had a crystal ball that would tell us we’d be the ones to have their child die. Because despite what most people think, we don’t go into these situations thinking the worst is going to happen. Does that mean we all deserve to be ridiculed, judged, be told we murdered our children, be told we failed our children, be told our children deserved better?

That would be a big fat NO!

I know from my own experience, we never went into our situation with the intention of letting our baby get hurt or die. We thought we were being safe with eye and ear protection. We thought we had it figured out…but accidents happen. I understand there are very few cases in which parents intentionally hurt their child…but it’s rare. 

Everything we do in life has a consequence. Whether it be big or small, every choice we make has the potential to turn into something we didn’t intend it to be. You, the person reading this has the potential to make a decision that ends up with consequences which include your child, spouse, friend, family or a stranger dying. Know why? Accidents happen.

Take a step back and ask yourself if one of your decisions caused an unintentional outcome, would you be okay with reading the things you’re writing about someone you don’t know, if they were being written about you?

Think about that for just one minute. Would you be okay accepting the same criticism from others that you are currently giving? It’s easy for you to say yes until you’re actually in those shoes…but the correct answer is no. How can I say that? Because I was the judgmental mom prior to losing my own child to an accident. 

We don’t know the circumstances surrounding most deaths. Especially children’s death & if I could somehow change the constitutional right reporters have to request information for a press release on child death I would.

For now, what we have is the ability to show a smidge of grace. To remind ourselves that their story isn’t ours to judge. We all have the ability to make a decision with unintended consequences. We all make choices everyday that could potentially lead to a permanent consequence we have to live with. The guilt you carry when you know you could have made a different choice is all consuming some days. That alone will eat you alive.

What parents or anyone who is part of an accident doesn’t need in these moments are people to judge the choice they made. We are already beating ourselves up and going over all the other decisions we could have made. The goal should be to make sure they don’t feel like they aren’t alone in their grief. Imagine if you changed your comment from you deserve to be charged & in jail to something like “we are grieving with you” or “we are so sorry for the loss of your baby”. Even if you do think we’re negligent (because it’s easier to say that than believe accidents actually happen)…be careful what you say because you’re only one decision away from your own tragedy. How do you want the world to respond to you? Show grace. Show kindness. Show love. That’s what this world needs. That’s what that poor family grieving the loss of their sweet baby tonight needs. 

Dear God.

We lift up Dane’s family tonight. We ask that you wrap your arms around each and every one of them tonight & every night to come. We ask that you provide them strength & grace as they navigate this long journey they are about to step into. We pray that they find some comfort in bringing their baby home, but also the ability to properly grieve their loss.  We also pray for everyone that is judging these parents, we pray that their hearts will soften & their judgements will disappear. We praise you & thank you for your continued love & grace.

In Jesus name we pray. Amen.