N A T I O N A L S O N S D A Y

It’s national sons day and truly I haven’t really had it in me to post lately. I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally. The world is exhausting right now, being a nurse is exhausting and add in a pandemic it’s even worse. I can’t imagine how the nurses working at hospitals feel because working in geriatrics is enough for me (seriously if you know a healthcare worker just give them a hug, buy them a coffee, pray for them. It’s a daily struggle and I’m not kidding). But the world has drained me of my strength lately and it’s made grieving feel heavier. I’ve been working through some of the emotions of passing the one year mark and reliving some of the days right after Cooper died and it’s been a lot.

Today my post from last year popped up in my memories and I didn’t want to read it. I’ve been avoiding memories or talking about Cooper lately because it’s been too painful. I miss him so much it physically hurts. But, it didn’t seem right to let the day go by without recognizing just how special he was and continues to be.

I have always wanted 3 children but for as long as I can remember I wanted a son first (obviously I’d have been happy with any healthy baby but don’t try to tell me you didn’t dream about this stuff as a little girl too). My cousins Nick and Eric were like my older brothers growing up and I still adore them. They always were and continue to be there for me no matter what. My baby sister is my very best friend & I always knew if I ended up with more than one girl they would end up just like Sarah & I. My family as a whole is super close so when we found out I was pregnant with a boy we were all over the moon! He was the first boy on my moms side in 36 years & my dad needed a little grandson to help level out the estrogen in his home since he was a girl dad (the best one of course). It felt as though my dreams were coming true.

Once I had Cooper I was so content. I wanted more babies but I knew with PCOS it would be a struggle so I never put pressure on it and always just lived in the moment with Cooper knowing very well he may end up being our only one. Our bond was so special. They say the bond a momma and her baby boy have is so special & I’d have to say it’s true! He was the best parts of both of us & the center of our world.

As time went on & Cooper started becoming his own person I lived for the evenings and weekends together. Car shopping at target, treats before grocery shopping, him picking out our dinner when dad was at work, cuddles and Disney movies before bed, bath time with water EVERYWHERE, playing cars all day long. These are the moments I knew one day I’d look back on & miss.

I’m grateful now for the pictures & videos I have to remind me of all the things we did together but the memories seem to be fading. The emotions I feel seem to be hitting a little harder & my mind feels a little crazier. So today after I realized it was national sons day I didn’t really feel like trying to come up with something to say because I am still just sad. Then I finally read my post from last year where I just reminded everyone to hug their babies & it reminded me that that’s all I have to say.

Our time is limited. God has a plan for each & every one of us but unfortunately sometimes the people we love get called home before we are ready to say goodbye. So love your people. Tell them you love them. Make up with your spouse, family, best friend, whoever it is that is important to you because you may never get the chance again. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but I deal with death a lot and the one thing I hear so much of is “I wish I would have”. I myself am guilty of wasting time being angry & it’s important for people to realize that time is limited and we always said these things wouldn’t happen to us too but they did. So, just love your people. Squeeze your babies and put down your distractions. One day you will have time for Facebook or Instagram or TikTok but for now just love your family while it’s still whole.

To my Cooper James,

You will forever be the best part of me. The reason I know what true love is. You taught me so many lessons I’m beyond thankful for. You, my love, will never be replaced. As your Daddy & I try to expand our family I hope you tell all your siblings just how loved they will be when they get here. I hope you give them your wild side & that you continue to live on through each of them. Your daddy & I are so proud of you & so thankful we get to be your parents. You will forever be our favorite angel. We miss you more than words could ever describe. Happy National Son’s Day Baby Boy, until we celebrate together again.

All my love,

Mommy
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