S I L E N C E
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I’ve had a hard time trying to put into words what I feel lately. It’s been hard to figure out what emotion I am feeling as life just seems to be going on but I’m not really following. I guess out of place maybe is what I’m feeling? Overwhelmed. Exhausted. The one year anniversary is creeping up and I am reminded that my year of firsts don’t end after that…it is now just a part of life I get to live with every year for years to come. Some days the fact that I’m “only 30” seems so overwhelming because I have to wait so long to see my baby again & I really just want him back. The ache of missing him seems to be overtaking my life lately & it makes it hard to focus on anything else around me.
It’s hard to explain. It feels like depression should but I don’t feel depressed? It’s enjoying being alone because it’s easy. It’s enjoying being at home because it’s safe. It’s enjoying doing projects that bring you peace. It’s an odd place to be where I don’t communicate with the people around me a lot which obviously is concerning to them but to me it’s just a place of self reflection maybe? It’s learning to deal with the constant missing of him & how to allow it to be part of my everyday life rather than ignoring it. Its a place of being okay yet still a mess at the same time. It’s processing what this next year will look like. Trying to muster the energy to put into motion all the things I want to accomplish but can’t find the motivation to do so. It’s learning to love this new me who I haven’t quite gotten to know yet. It’s realizing that happiness and grief will coincide and that’s okay.
I feel like Dave & I are living our best lives in a way. It sounds weird to say but we’ve been reminded what life was like prior to Cooper. The ability to get up and go without thinking twice, selfishly buying things we don’t need, staying up late and sleeping in together, eating out way too much, really focusing on each other’s happiness rather than other things. We’ve settled into this new way of marriage and the different people we are in them. We’ve learned each other’s new love language and adjusted to the needs we both have. Like for the first time ever in our marriage I want to spend every waking moment with my husband and he’s really had to adjust to his super independent wife being a stage 5 clinger now ;). I also want to be clear that there is no better life than having Cooper here with us but that isn’t an option so we’re making the best of the situation we’re in.
That being said, it’s been an emotional few weeks. I’ve cried a lot. I really just miss my baby. My memories are starting to feel like they are so long ago. The children around me are growing and doing things I didn’t get to experience so my conversations have changed from oh I remember that to oh wow that’s exciting. The roll back of my camera to find the last picture I took of Cooper continues to take longer which only reminds me of how much life has passed since he’s been gone. The pictures on the walls are getting older. Everything has reminded me that this is a permanent situation that doesn’t change with time & it’s hard to accept. I’ve somewhat denied those feelings of permanence in my life for the last 10.5 months. It’s finally caught up and I’ve really had to allow myself to sit with it and allow the feelings to come and go. I’ve become silent because my brain is so loud, I’m dying for some peace in my life.
As I’ve spent more time really trying to figure out this rut I am in I have realized that my fear of judgement from people bugs me more than I’d like to admit. I’m not sure what caused the fear because truly this community was and has been amazing. Obviously someone always has an opinion but honestly we still talk about how blessed we are to have such a supportive community around us. Regardless of the support I still fear this judgement. I fear the comments that people may make when they find out how Cooper died or the questions people ask about the condition of his body (and yes we’ve been asked if we were forced to cremate him because of the condition of his body & no we weren’t. It was my choice to bring home what I had left of his earthly body). I have really had to think about how to handle comments surrounding his death and realized that some people are just shitty and they are going to say really shitty things (excuse my mouth but…it’s true). I struggle with feeling guilty that we are living our life again. I feel as though people will think we’ve just forgotten about him. I’m beyond sad that we haven’t been able to get pregnant again as quickly as we’d like (if I’d stick to a diet that might help but hello antidepressants). I am still trying to let go of this picture I had in my head of what our life would be because it is completely opposite to what I had planned.
I am struggling with letting all of that go and just being present in the moments. No matter what someone will always have something to say & how I respond will be how people remember me. I don’t ever want to be the girl that people look at and say “oh that’s the mom that lost her son in that lawn mowing accident” as they walk by me. I want to be the mom they look at and say she rose above the trials and tribulations she was given with grace. I want to be the mom that other grieving parents can call when they are struggling with how to navigate this new crazy life. I know I still have so much work to do in this journey….not only on myself but continuing to bless others who have been faced with challenges like we were. My life goal is to show people that no matter how big the mountain is, you can overcome it with a little bit of faith and a whole lot of grace.
I hope that as time goes on and I continue to figure out what my purpose here is that I can somehow reach just one person to help remind them that no matter how hard life seems you’ve got this. If God brings you to it he will bring you through it.
As I continue to take the time I need to allow my feelings to even out I just want to say thank you. Thank you all for supporting us & showing us what it means to come together. We will never be able to express our gratitude. Please don’t ever take our silence as anything more than it’s face value. Our silence means there is healing happening & sometimes all we need is to sit back and take in the moments because they are all too precious to miss…grieving or not.
-For the Love of Coop
It’s hard to explain. It feels like depression should but I don’t feel depressed? It’s enjoying being alone because it’s easy. It’s enjoying being at home because it’s safe. It’s enjoying doing projects that bring you peace. It’s an odd place to be where I don’t communicate with the people around me a lot which obviously is concerning to them but to me it’s just a place of self reflection maybe? It’s learning to deal with the constant missing of him & how to allow it to be part of my everyday life rather than ignoring it. Its a place of being okay yet still a mess at the same time. It’s processing what this next year will look like. Trying to muster the energy to put into motion all the things I want to accomplish but can’t find the motivation to do so. It’s learning to love this new me who I haven’t quite gotten to know yet. It’s realizing that happiness and grief will coincide and that’s okay.
I feel like Dave & I are living our best lives in a way. It sounds weird to say but we’ve been reminded what life was like prior to Cooper. The ability to get up and go without thinking twice, selfishly buying things we don’t need, staying up late and sleeping in together, eating out way too much, really focusing on each other’s happiness rather than other things. We’ve settled into this new way of marriage and the different people we are in them. We’ve learned each other’s new love language and adjusted to the needs we both have. Like for the first time ever in our marriage I want to spend every waking moment with my husband and he’s really had to adjust to his super independent wife being a stage 5 clinger now ;). I also want to be clear that there is no better life than having Cooper here with us but that isn’t an option so we’re making the best of the situation we’re in.
That being said, it’s been an emotional few weeks. I’ve cried a lot. I really just miss my baby. My memories are starting to feel like they are so long ago. The children around me are growing and doing things I didn’t get to experience so my conversations have changed from oh I remember that to oh wow that’s exciting. The roll back of my camera to find the last picture I took of Cooper continues to take longer which only reminds me of how much life has passed since he’s been gone. The pictures on the walls are getting older. Everything has reminded me that this is a permanent situation that doesn’t change with time & it’s hard to accept. I’ve somewhat denied those feelings of permanence in my life for the last 10.5 months. It’s finally caught up and I’ve really had to allow myself to sit with it and allow the feelings to come and go. I’ve become silent because my brain is so loud, I’m dying for some peace in my life.
As I’ve spent more time really trying to figure out this rut I am in I have realized that my fear of judgement from people bugs me more than I’d like to admit. I’m not sure what caused the fear because truly this community was and has been amazing. Obviously someone always has an opinion but honestly we still talk about how blessed we are to have such a supportive community around us. Regardless of the support I still fear this judgement. I fear the comments that people may make when they find out how Cooper died or the questions people ask about the condition of his body (and yes we’ve been asked if we were forced to cremate him because of the condition of his body & no we weren’t. It was my choice to bring home what I had left of his earthly body). I have really had to think about how to handle comments surrounding his death and realized that some people are just shitty and they are going to say really shitty things (excuse my mouth but…it’s true). I struggle with feeling guilty that we are living our life again. I feel as though people will think we’ve just forgotten about him. I’m beyond sad that we haven’t been able to get pregnant again as quickly as we’d like (if I’d stick to a diet that might help but hello antidepressants). I am still trying to let go of this picture I had in my head of what our life would be because it is completely opposite to what I had planned.
I am struggling with letting all of that go and just being present in the moments. No matter what someone will always have something to say & how I respond will be how people remember me. I don’t ever want to be the girl that people look at and say “oh that’s the mom that lost her son in that lawn mowing accident” as they walk by me. I want to be the mom they look at and say she rose above the trials and tribulations she was given with grace. I want to be the mom that other grieving parents can call when they are struggling with how to navigate this new crazy life. I know I still have so much work to do in this journey….not only on myself but continuing to bless others who have been faced with challenges like we were. My life goal is to show people that no matter how big the mountain is, you can overcome it with a little bit of faith and a whole lot of grace.
I hope that as time goes on and I continue to figure out what my purpose here is that I can somehow reach just one person to help remind them that no matter how hard life seems you’ve got this. If God brings you to it he will bring you through it.
As I continue to take the time I need to allow my feelings to even out I just want to say thank you. Thank you all for supporting us & showing us what it means to come together. We will never be able to express our gratitude. Please don’t ever take our silence as anything more than it’s face value. Our silence means there is healing happening & sometimes all we need is to sit back and take in the moments because they are all too precious to miss…grieving or not.
-For the Love of Coop