S T A G E S
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Something that’s really been on my heart lately is the stages we all go through. Not just in grief, but in life. I’ve become more observant than I used to be and something I’ve noticed lately in a lot of parts of my life are the struggles other people are having. Whether it be stress from home, work or school. Not being happy in their relationships or their jobs. Frustration over the times we live in. I have noticed so much struggle around me that it’s had me thinking a lot about the stages of life & the pressure we have to be perfect. It kind of reminds me of my grief in away. Some days are good, some days are bad, some days we’re just trying to get through the day but the way people express their frustration, anger, depression is what has really caught my attention. No one wants to talk about it or ask for help. No one wants to be vulnerable because we fear rejection or judgement.
In todays world social media has made it so hard to just live a “normal” life. It’s hard to have a bad day because how can we have bad days when the girl on Instagram lost her child and she’s still smiling? How can we have bad days when someone might see us unraveling and think we are unstable. We aren’t allowed to have bad days. Society doesn’t like to talk about the sad or uncomfortable side of life. We don’t like to show our vulnerability or even acknowledge that the stage of life were in is hard but we sure like to judge someone when we see it happening. We’re always comparing our lives to the picture perfect things we see on the internet (myself included). We see that our neighbor has it all together and their house is so put together & her kids are always dressed so perfectly & her marriage looks so perfect. We see the cleanest or most decorated parts of peoples homes. We see the pictures they post from the perfect angle with photoshop or filters to make it look perfect. No one talks about the ugly parts.
I wish the ugly stages of life were more normal. I wish the angry, sad, exhausted, no motivation stages of life were more talked about. We all struggle one way or another. No one sees that some nights I cry alone in my bed while I hold my sons urn just so I can feel close to him. No one sees that sometimes I can’t eat anything because I am so sick to my stomach I could throw up. No one sees that most nights I get about 4-5 hours of sleep because I can’t shut my brain off & that’s why I’m late. No one knows that I still haven’t done Coopers last load of laundry because I’m not ready for that last bit of finalization of his death. No one sees the tears I cry every month as the negative pregnancy tests continue to pile up. You know why? Because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Because I’m scared that I will make people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want people to think I am weak or that I can’t be normal. When really the truth of it is…crying alone in bed doesn’t make me weak. It means I loved someone with my whole heart. Not being ready to face a part of Coopers death doesn’t mean I’m ignoring it, it just means I am not ready to cross that bridge yet. Having fertility issues doesn’t make me broken, it makes my journey unique. Not eating because I’m sad doesn’t mean I have an eating disorder & I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings on my trauma. I can’t control other peoples judgement. I can only hope they never feel the same struggle we do.
Life isn’t perfect. There isn’t a single person in this world that lives a perfect life every single day. That neighbor that looks so perfect or that one Instagram influencer that makes a living off of her perfect pictures…guess what? They also have bad days, their laundry piles up, they hate their job sometimes, they lay in bed too long, their house isn’t always clean. We all go through that stage in life. Stages of frustration with our spouses and children, stages of being sick of cleaning up after others, being too overwhelmed to cook dinner again, not having the energy to attend all the events we’d like to, not playing with the kids enough or giving our spouses enough attention. We all feel Ike we’re failing at some point in life. And, I’m here to tell you IT IS OKAY.
It has taken me over a year to realize that I will never be the person I once was. I have learned that it is okay for me to be happy one day and completely distraught the next because this journey isn’t linear. I’ve slowly learned that talking about the hard times makes me feel better because I am expressing when I need help. I’ve learned that asking for help is okay & it doesn’t make me weak. A part of me has felt pressured to keep it all together because so many people tell me how strong I am or how I have a way with words when expressing myself. I myself put a ton of pressure on trying to make it all look easy but it isn’t & that’s okay. I’m strong because I haven’t allowed my trauma to harden my heart. I’m strong because I continue to wake up and go to work even if waking up and getting to work is the only thing I do. I’m strong because I choose to be not because I can handle more than the next person. I’m strong because I have realized it is okay to not be okay, it’s okay to ask for help and the stages of grief I feel will come and go and learning to swim in the storm is part of being so strong. Having a team behind me that doesn’t judge the ugly stages keeps me strong because I know with them by my side & our faith we can do anything.
One day I’ll talk more about the ins and outs of grief. The reason I can still smile & be happy. One day I’ll talk about how I have learned to not sit in these stages of life and how it has helped me to remind myself I’m still blessed but for now I’ll leave you with this…
You aren’t a bad mom or dad because you lost it on your kids today. We all do it. You aren’t a bad employee because you made a mistake. Even the best have done it. You aren’t a bad wife because you didn’t fold the laundry today. It will still be there tomorrow. It’s okay to get take out because your tired, it’s okay to cancel plans, it’s okay to be overwhelmed and need help. It is okay to unravel, you aren’t unstable. WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE & we all deal with situations differently & cope with life in different ways. Life is short. I’ve said it a million times. Don’t waste it attempting to create a life that is picture perfect. Don’t waste it trying to deal with the hard parts alone. Being humble and real is much easier than trying to hold it together when it feels like it’s falling apart. Express your needs when you have them, support the people around you when they need it & remember that every single one of us has a story. We’re all doing the best we can to just get through life & sometimes waking up is all we have in us. It’s okay to have a bad day. It is okay to not feel like being picture perfect & it’s okay to feel like your losing your mind even when the girl who lost her child is smiling on Instagram because like I said earlier…we don’t show you the ugly parts. But, don’t stay there. Ask for help when you need it & screw the people who judge you or reject you because honestly…they didn’t deserve you anyway. When you struggle, you quickly find out who is true to you. Lean in to them. No matter how silly you think your ask is…it will never be too big or small for the people who care. It’s not our place to judge each other’s journey, it’s only our job to support one another through it.
Here’s to normalizing the struggle of life, being vulnerable and supporting one another. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part…but I will continue to do my best to support anyone who is just trying to get through the day. I see you & you’ve got this!
-For The Love of Coop
In todays world social media has made it so hard to just live a “normal” life. It’s hard to have a bad day because how can we have bad days when the girl on Instagram lost her child and she’s still smiling? How can we have bad days when someone might see us unraveling and think we are unstable. We aren’t allowed to have bad days. Society doesn’t like to talk about the sad or uncomfortable side of life. We don’t like to show our vulnerability or even acknowledge that the stage of life were in is hard but we sure like to judge someone when we see it happening. We’re always comparing our lives to the picture perfect things we see on the internet (myself included). We see that our neighbor has it all together and their house is so put together & her kids are always dressed so perfectly & her marriage looks so perfect. We see the cleanest or most decorated parts of peoples homes. We see the pictures they post from the perfect angle with photoshop or filters to make it look perfect. No one talks about the ugly parts.
I wish the ugly stages of life were more normal. I wish the angry, sad, exhausted, no motivation stages of life were more talked about. We all struggle one way or another. No one sees that some nights I cry alone in my bed while I hold my sons urn just so I can feel close to him. No one sees that sometimes I can’t eat anything because I am so sick to my stomach I could throw up. No one sees that most nights I get about 4-5 hours of sleep because I can’t shut my brain off & that’s why I’m late. No one knows that I still haven’t done Coopers last load of laundry because I’m not ready for that last bit of finalization of his death. No one sees the tears I cry every month as the negative pregnancy tests continue to pile up. You know why? Because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Because I’m scared that I will make people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want people to think I am weak or that I can’t be normal. When really the truth of it is…crying alone in bed doesn’t make me weak. It means I loved someone with my whole heart. Not being ready to face a part of Coopers death doesn’t mean I’m ignoring it, it just means I am not ready to cross that bridge yet. Having fertility issues doesn’t make me broken, it makes my journey unique. Not eating because I’m sad doesn’t mean I have an eating disorder & I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings on my trauma. I can’t control other peoples judgement. I can only hope they never feel the same struggle we do.
Life isn’t perfect. There isn’t a single person in this world that lives a perfect life every single day. That neighbor that looks so perfect or that one Instagram influencer that makes a living off of her perfect pictures…guess what? They also have bad days, their laundry piles up, they hate their job sometimes, they lay in bed too long, their house isn’t always clean. We all go through that stage in life. Stages of frustration with our spouses and children, stages of being sick of cleaning up after others, being too overwhelmed to cook dinner again, not having the energy to attend all the events we’d like to, not playing with the kids enough or giving our spouses enough attention. We all feel Ike we’re failing at some point in life. And, I’m here to tell you IT IS OKAY.
It has taken me over a year to realize that I will never be the person I once was. I have learned that it is okay for me to be happy one day and completely distraught the next because this journey isn’t linear. I’ve slowly learned that talking about the hard times makes me feel better because I am expressing when I need help. I’ve learned that asking for help is okay & it doesn’t make me weak. A part of me has felt pressured to keep it all together because so many people tell me how strong I am or how I have a way with words when expressing myself. I myself put a ton of pressure on trying to make it all look easy but it isn’t & that’s okay. I’m strong because I haven’t allowed my trauma to harden my heart. I’m strong because I continue to wake up and go to work even if waking up and getting to work is the only thing I do. I’m strong because I choose to be not because I can handle more than the next person. I’m strong because I have realized it is okay to not be okay, it’s okay to ask for help and the stages of grief I feel will come and go and learning to swim in the storm is part of being so strong. Having a team behind me that doesn’t judge the ugly stages keeps me strong because I know with them by my side & our faith we can do anything.
One day I’ll talk more about the ins and outs of grief. The reason I can still smile & be happy. One day I’ll talk about how I have learned to not sit in these stages of life and how it has helped me to remind myself I’m still blessed but for now I’ll leave you with this…
You aren’t a bad mom or dad because you lost it on your kids today. We all do it. You aren’t a bad employee because you made a mistake. Even the best have done it. You aren’t a bad wife because you didn’t fold the laundry today. It will still be there tomorrow. It’s okay to get take out because your tired, it’s okay to cancel plans, it’s okay to be overwhelmed and need help. It is okay to unravel, you aren’t unstable. WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE & we all deal with situations differently & cope with life in different ways. Life is short. I’ve said it a million times. Don’t waste it attempting to create a life that is picture perfect. Don’t waste it trying to deal with the hard parts alone. Being humble and real is much easier than trying to hold it together when it feels like it’s falling apart. Express your needs when you have them, support the people around you when they need it & remember that every single one of us has a story. We’re all doing the best we can to just get through life & sometimes waking up is all we have in us. It’s okay to have a bad day. It is okay to not feel like being picture perfect & it’s okay to feel like your losing your mind even when the girl who lost her child is smiling on Instagram because like I said earlier…we don’t show you the ugly parts. But, don’t stay there. Ask for help when you need it & screw the people who judge you or reject you because honestly…they didn’t deserve you anyway. When you struggle, you quickly find out who is true to you. Lean in to them. No matter how silly you think your ask is…it will never be too big or small for the people who care. It’s not our place to judge each other’s journey, it’s only our job to support one another through it.
Here’s to normalizing the struggle of life, being vulnerable and supporting one another. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part…but I will continue to do my best to support anyone who is just trying to get through the day. I see you & you’ve got this!
-For The Love of Coop