T H E M

People are always asking me how do you do it? How do you keep going? How do you continue with a smile on your face? It is a question that always makes me slightly uncomfortable because I never really know how to answer. I usually say something about how I don’t have an option or how he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I choose to be happy because I don’t want to be sad. I guess in reality I have other options but this is the path I chose. I don’t want to spend my life sad & depressed. I tend to give the quickest answer I can, just so the spotlight isn’t on the sadness in my life. I mean honestly, I do have to choose to be happy somedays & sometimes when people ask me that question I want to scream and say I’m not doing it. Because somedays I don’t want to have to choose to be happy, I just want to be happy like I used to be. On those days, there is a piece of the puzzle that I don’t think gets enough credit. There is a huge part of my life that the general public doesn’t get or really want to see. The piece that keeps this whole puzzle together is them.

THEM. The people who you see with me at a grocery store because I have too much anxiety to go alone, the ones who have us out at dinner on a week night because we seemed sad. The people you’d see pinned in my text messages who have seen the 3 am anxiety meltdowns, the ones who have seen the really ugly side of this journey. The ones who have talked me through my fiercest anxiety attacks, kept encouraging me to keep fighting for not just my mental health but my physical health as well. The people who have shared the ups, the downs, the good, the bad, the ugly & the beautiful. The people who haven’t given up on me even when I pull away. The people who continue to selflessly give their time away without asking for anything else in return. Those people are the reason I am strong. Those people are the reason I can smile even when I don’t feel like I really want to.

I think sometimes I take for granted just how strong and amazing our group is. It is crazy because I get so sidetracked with things like work, the house, chores. Even after I preach constantly that it can all wait, I still tend to take time and people for granted at times. It doesn’t change the way my family loves me, or the way my friends check on me though. I often feel like I am the worst friend because I hardly ever reach out to someone else. It isn’t anything against anyone I just don’t know what to say most of the time. Part of it is insecurity, part of it is fear over being the sad girl who always talks about her dead child’s memory. Part of it is being scared of getting close to people because I have lost friendships in the past that truly meant the world to me & it hurt more than I expected. I can’t handle anymore hurt right now. Part of it is just being somewhat numb to the life around me. But, these people still continue to show up, even when I don’t deserve it. Sometimes, I think about how I have lost relationships over the years because sometimes I can’t learn to keep my opinion or attitude to myself. There are times that my lips have been too loose and I have said things I later regretted. I often worry about how much I say or what I do in fear of losing the people who haven’t gotten rid of me yet, because I genuinely love & appreciate each and everyone of them & I know that feeling of regret, I hate it. Somehow, even after all of the negative aspects of me have come boiling up, these people continue to come back. They continue to support us, love us & remind us that we still deserve happiness.

Back in 2014 when Dave & I got married, we bought our first house and I knew I wanted our house to always be a place of gathering. I grew up gathering with my family just because it was a sunny day & I wanted that for our family as well. We started with our 1st annual 4th of July BBQ. I think we had about 15-20 people show up to our first one, a few friends but mostly family. We had a small back yard with absolutely no grass and these huge trees that belonged in the forest that we held this BBQ in & it was a lame-o party compared to now. But, it started a tradition that has gone on every year since. As time has gone on & our families & circle has grown, so has the celebration. This last one was special for some reason. I realized this weekend that even as the two year anniversary creeps up next month & we feel anxious over making another year of memories without our sweet boy here, we are still so blessed. As I made my rounds trying to make sure I got to talk to each and everyone of our guests, there were times that I just looked around and my heart felt like it couldn’t get any fuller.

It is the sound of laughter filling my home with the people I love most around me that keeps me going. It is the sound of the kids running and screaming and laughing and the sassy-ness of the teenagers who I still see as babies who used to be too shy to ask questions and now they raid the kitchen like it is their home too (just like we used to do to my mom & aunts) that keeps me going. It is the kids wanting to not leave at the end of the night because Auntie Kendra is letting them have too many popsicles that keeps me going. It is the joy I see in the children and adults as we try so hard to participate in volleyball games & kickball & baseball even though we know we are going to pay for it the next day (seriously though, why are we so sore after a bouncy house and a game of kickball?) that keeps me going. When the night winds down and I go inside to see that my sister so graciously spent the evening picking up and cleaning knowing that I would get anxious over getting it done before bed that keeps me going. To see my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends & all their kids gather & pick up right where we left off even if it has been 6 months that keeps me going. To know that at any moment I have someone no matter the time of day or night that keeps me going. They keep me going.

When you go through something you are so surrounded by love and support for those first few months, but it is in those months and years later when you really need help. That is when you figure out who your “them” is. You figure out who is still paying attention & who can see the sadness in your eyes, or hears the silence of your distance. It is in those moments of not responding to a text for a week, not attending family functions or previous commitments that these people show up and say “get up, we are not doing this”. They may allow you to sit with your feelings for a day or two…but they aren’t ever far behind to give you a kick in the butt when you need it. They don’t get the credit they deserve. Ever. Whether it be that they helped you when you went through trauma, grief, loss, financial troubles, divorces, separations, fertility issues. The people that stood by you through the ugliest times, when you couldn’t give them anything in return, those are the people. The ones who just don’t ever seem to really get the credit they deserve for keeping us going. We all have one, and I hope you make it known just how much you appreciate them.

So to answer the question of how I do it…it is them. 100% my faith has kept me strong, but they have reminded me to pray when I needed to. 100% Cooper wouldn’t want us to be sad, but they have reminded me of that every single day. 100% I have to choose to be happy sometimes, but they continue to remind me it is just a bad day not a bad life. Without them, I would be in my bed, curled under my blanket with 6 dominos pizzas, a gallon of ice cream & one chocolate chip cookie away from a diabetic coma (& no I am not making fun of or light of anyones situation but I am saying that I over eat sweets & carbs when I am sad). I can continue to smile because they constantly remind me that my life, our life is still worth living even after losing Cooper.

To the people who came & haven’t left, thank you. Thank you for letting us grieve, thank you for giving us space, thank you for not giving up. Thank you for not leaving because we are too hard to deal with sometimes (really it is just me that’s hard to deal with ;)). Thank you for showing us that we aren’t in this alone. Thank you for not forcing us to deal with things on your time. Thank you for taking us just how we are even if it is happy, sad, angry or distant. Thank you for never letting us fail, for being on this journey even though it isn’t always a happy one. For reminding us that you love us for who we are now, not who we used to be. For having grace when we ditch out on you at the last minute, for not holding us to a standard you know we can’t keep up to. For not allowing us to make excuses for our absence and forcing us to face the hard truths when we need to. Whether you are our family or our friend, whether you were here 12 years ago or 2 years ago, we don’t tell you enough just how much we appreciate & love you. So thank you, you are beyond appreciated & remain a huge part of our story.

To those struggling, please lean on your people. Don't take your people or time for granted. It is hard to recover relationships after trauma, so don't let them slip away from you. It is hard to be vulnerable, to allow others into such an emotional part of your life but just know the ones that matter won’t judge you. This journey isn’t meant to walk alone, you are going to require others to be there and remind you to keeping even when you feel like you can’t. Don’t refuse their help because you are scared of being vulnerable, just let them help. Let them guide you when you can’t find your way.

Dr. Seuss said it best “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.

-For The Love of Coop