T R I G G E R S
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I can remember walking through target with my little sister and my best friend Tierra a few days after Cooper died because I needed out of the house. We walked the aisles for as long as I could and it felt so good to do something normal, until I heard a baby cry. It felt like everyone was suddenly staring at me as I internally started having a panic attack. I had to go stand outside. I felt like I was going to faint, my heart was racing and I didn’t know if I was going to puke in the middle of the parking lot or go into a full emotional breakdown. It was crazy how quickly I felt my entire being change. For the first time I was triggered and I had no idea how to handle it.
Many more days of triggers and panic attacks came after that. I’ve found that triggers are probably one of the harder things about trauma to deal with. You never know when it is going to hit you or how it is going to affect you. It could be a picture, a song, something someone says or how they look at you. It could be the color of the sky or the way you watch another parent interact with their child. All of a sudden you wake up and you’re scared to leave the house because the outside world has no idea what you’re going through and what would they think if I randomly started crying? How would I react if I heard a little voice or saw another blonde hair blue eyed boy running around. These normal everyday tasks become so overwhelming it seems easier to run away than it is to deal with it head on.
The night Cooper died we had a ton of people in & out of the house. The police, coroner, chaplain, family…we were being questioned, calls kept coming in and our messages were being flooded, everyone was crying and I couldn’t fix it. My husband was so distraught and in shock I didn’t know how to even handle it. For the first time I had no control & it was beyond overwhelming. I was sick of having to tell people that my child was dead and the chaos was too much. I had to get away, so I went upstairs and took a shower. I stood there for what seemed like forever and quietly sobbed while I begged God to bring my baby back. I just wanted to lay in my bed, go to sleep and not wake up. I had no intention of discussing life with the outside world, I had no intention of showing people how I actually felt inside. I just wanted to be alone, in my bed. Forever.
It was that night standing in the shower that something hit me & I knew I couldn’t run away. I was suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling of strength and peace. I knew in that moment that how I respond to this would determine how the rest of my family responded and we couldn’t just run from it. So I made a promise to myself that night that I would get out of bed, take a shower and get dressed every single day. And, I did. As time went on I’d add a few more things into my daily routine to start feeling like myself again. It was hard a lot of the days. Really hard. But, I knew if I didn’t do it that I would soon fall into a rabbit hole I didn’t want to be in. I knew in that moment that we had to somehow learn to manage the triggers of child death and that started with waking up every day.
We have spent the last 9 1/2 months in counseling learning how to manage the triggers and grief we feel every day. We have learned how to use the tools they have given us to help us get through the day. We have learned that it is okay to take a moment or have a day to refresh our brains. We have also learned a lot about underlying triggers and things that maybe aren’t triggers of death but of our recovery. I think I struggle with that the most.
While I try so hard to remain positive and keep a smile on my face it is hard to accept that not everyone understands why or how I remain positive in my grief. I often find myself becoming frustrated with any type of negativity. I have had to learn where my boundaries are, when to walk away and when I need to take a break. Although there are times when my frustration takes over and I find myself saying if I can survive child loss you can survive this or if I can get out of bed everyday with a smile on my face you can be happy too. My counselor tells me it is normal to feel this way and it goes hand in hand with the anger I have talked about before. But, learning to be able to manage this specific trigger has been difficult because truly I feel like we have the ability to control and determine our emotions and how we present them every day. I have realized that for some it is easier to remain in a negative mindset than it is to make the choice to find the positive in the storm and that’s okay.
While I learn to deal with my frustration over negativity I have had to remind myself that not everyone is going to live up to my expectations of happiness nor is it fair that I hold people to any type of expectation. Not everyone has experienced the same trauma I have. Not everyone handles trauma the same way I have. Some people’s worst day of their life is that their dog died, their car broke down, their child drew with permanent marker on their favorite shoes…sometimes people don’t experience trauma and that’s okay! I am not saying that all those situations aren’t absolutely traumatic, they are just different from what I have experienced & I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. Sometimes trauma isn’t as deep for others as it is me and we all handle it differently. But, it isn’t okay that my expectation of people is to be happy and smile all the time because it took my child dying for me to realize how short life is & all the little things that actually matter.
With all that said, Dave & I have learned a lot about managing our triggers in the world. You’d be shocked to know how many times a day we are forced to say “we’re okay, he’s okay, I’m okay, it’s all okay” to calm ourselves. You’d be shocked to know how often we excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom to have quick meltdown to return like nothing happened. You’d be shocked to know how often we drive home in silence after an event because we both know we are overwhelmed. We try to live a normal life now but it’s hard sometimes. We’re still learning. We still have bad days. We still have triggers that we haven’t quite figured out how to handle on a daily basis. We’re learning how to be patient not only with ourselves but each other and the people around us.
I can remember one of the people I hold so close to my heart telling me its okay to have a bad moment but that doesn’t make it a bad day. My life has had many bad moments lately but these triggers don’t define who I am every single day. The triggers we feel don’t have to consume every moment of everyday. Life is short. I’ve said it a million times but are the things we lose sleep over really worth losing sleep over? Because if I have learned anything through this it is to stop and take in the moments, be happy for what we have & never take for granted the ability to make memories with the ones you love. If I could tell the people around me anything it is that your journey of life is only what you make it. Whether that be a positive or a negative thing…you are in control of your journey. You are in control of how you respond to every situation you are faced with. You are in control of how you respond to your triggers in life.
I encourage you all to take the next difficult situation you have and focus on the positives of it. It would have been easier to go to bed that night and cut off any communication with the outside world but it wasn’t easy that I was looking for. Learning to deal with the grief and triggers has been more fulfilling than I could ever explain. It sounds odd to say out loud but I have learned so much about myself and how to be a better person, how to stay positive even when it's hard and how to be vulnerable. This journey has lead me to many greater things that I wouldn’t have ever imagined in the beginning. So, when life seems rough I remind myself that I am still blessed to have gotten 2 1/2 fulfilling years with Cooper, I have a tribe full of the strongest people I know and we are blessed to be surrounded by people who never let a moment pass to honor our sweet boy. I am thankful for an amazing counselor who allows me to learn lessons and teaches me to manage life post child loss. I am thankful for the team that showed up that day to save us, the dispatcher who attempted to keep my husband calm and my dad for being my strength that day even though I know he wanted to lose it. We all go through things but how you handle them will be how people remember it. Don’t waste your time being full of negativity and anger. Don’t allow the triggers of trauma to consume you. They say it isn’t always easy but it is always worth it and I can now say it is. Life post child loss is hard but learning patience, grace, humility and self control has been so much more fulfilling than I could have imagined. Without the trauma I wouldn’t be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend, sister or aunt.
If you have experienced trauma give yourself some grace when it comes to managing your everyday life. It isn’t going to be easy, sometimes the emotions take over and you end up saying things or doing things that you may regret later. It’s okay but learn and grow from it. Don’t sit in the negative, don’t allow the triggers to consume you & forgive yourself for mistakes you make along the way. We’re all learning and it isn’t easy but it will be worth it.
To my husband, I am SO proud of you. I am proud of how you carry yourself everyday, how far you have come in this journey and how many obstacles you have overcome in the past 9 1/2 months. Always remember that I love you. You are stronger than the guilt, you are stronger than the flashbacks, you are stronger than the triggers. This journey wouldn't be the same without you by my side & I am beyond thankful for you even when we both struggle. I love you the most. You will forever be my best friend.
My sweet boy, I miss you more than words will ever be able to express but the impact you left behind gives me hope and peace. I can picture you in heaven taking apart all the cars, fixing all the broken things, drinking all the milk, making sure everyone has a snack (but not your snack ;) & giving GiGi all the loves while you both wait for the rest of us. Thank you for showing me what love is, thank you for showing me how to appreciate life & thank you for continuing to give me a reason to smile. You will forever be my shining star. I love you baby boy.
-For The Love Of Coop
Many more days of triggers and panic attacks came after that. I’ve found that triggers are probably one of the harder things about trauma to deal with. You never know when it is going to hit you or how it is going to affect you. It could be a picture, a song, something someone says or how they look at you. It could be the color of the sky or the way you watch another parent interact with their child. All of a sudden you wake up and you’re scared to leave the house because the outside world has no idea what you’re going through and what would they think if I randomly started crying? How would I react if I heard a little voice or saw another blonde hair blue eyed boy running around. These normal everyday tasks become so overwhelming it seems easier to run away than it is to deal with it head on.
The night Cooper died we had a ton of people in & out of the house. The police, coroner, chaplain, family…we were being questioned, calls kept coming in and our messages were being flooded, everyone was crying and I couldn’t fix it. My husband was so distraught and in shock I didn’t know how to even handle it. For the first time I had no control & it was beyond overwhelming. I was sick of having to tell people that my child was dead and the chaos was too much. I had to get away, so I went upstairs and took a shower. I stood there for what seemed like forever and quietly sobbed while I begged God to bring my baby back. I just wanted to lay in my bed, go to sleep and not wake up. I had no intention of discussing life with the outside world, I had no intention of showing people how I actually felt inside. I just wanted to be alone, in my bed. Forever.
It was that night standing in the shower that something hit me & I knew I couldn’t run away. I was suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling of strength and peace. I knew in that moment that how I respond to this would determine how the rest of my family responded and we couldn’t just run from it. So I made a promise to myself that night that I would get out of bed, take a shower and get dressed every single day. And, I did. As time went on I’d add a few more things into my daily routine to start feeling like myself again. It was hard a lot of the days. Really hard. But, I knew if I didn’t do it that I would soon fall into a rabbit hole I didn’t want to be in. I knew in that moment that we had to somehow learn to manage the triggers of child death and that started with waking up every day.
We have spent the last 9 1/2 months in counseling learning how to manage the triggers and grief we feel every day. We have learned how to use the tools they have given us to help us get through the day. We have learned that it is okay to take a moment or have a day to refresh our brains. We have also learned a lot about underlying triggers and things that maybe aren’t triggers of death but of our recovery. I think I struggle with that the most.
While I try so hard to remain positive and keep a smile on my face it is hard to accept that not everyone understands why or how I remain positive in my grief. I often find myself becoming frustrated with any type of negativity. I have had to learn where my boundaries are, when to walk away and when I need to take a break. Although there are times when my frustration takes over and I find myself saying if I can survive child loss you can survive this or if I can get out of bed everyday with a smile on my face you can be happy too. My counselor tells me it is normal to feel this way and it goes hand in hand with the anger I have talked about before. But, learning to be able to manage this specific trigger has been difficult because truly I feel like we have the ability to control and determine our emotions and how we present them every day. I have realized that for some it is easier to remain in a negative mindset than it is to make the choice to find the positive in the storm and that’s okay.
While I learn to deal with my frustration over negativity I have had to remind myself that not everyone is going to live up to my expectations of happiness nor is it fair that I hold people to any type of expectation. Not everyone has experienced the same trauma I have. Not everyone handles trauma the same way I have. Some people’s worst day of their life is that their dog died, their car broke down, their child drew with permanent marker on their favorite shoes…sometimes people don’t experience trauma and that’s okay! I am not saying that all those situations aren’t absolutely traumatic, they are just different from what I have experienced & I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. Sometimes trauma isn’t as deep for others as it is me and we all handle it differently. But, it isn’t okay that my expectation of people is to be happy and smile all the time because it took my child dying for me to realize how short life is & all the little things that actually matter.
With all that said, Dave & I have learned a lot about managing our triggers in the world. You’d be shocked to know how many times a day we are forced to say “we’re okay, he’s okay, I’m okay, it’s all okay” to calm ourselves. You’d be shocked to know how often we excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom to have quick meltdown to return like nothing happened. You’d be shocked to know how often we drive home in silence after an event because we both know we are overwhelmed. We try to live a normal life now but it’s hard sometimes. We’re still learning. We still have bad days. We still have triggers that we haven’t quite figured out how to handle on a daily basis. We’re learning how to be patient not only with ourselves but each other and the people around us.
I can remember one of the people I hold so close to my heart telling me its okay to have a bad moment but that doesn’t make it a bad day. My life has had many bad moments lately but these triggers don’t define who I am every single day. The triggers we feel don’t have to consume every moment of everyday. Life is short. I’ve said it a million times but are the things we lose sleep over really worth losing sleep over? Because if I have learned anything through this it is to stop and take in the moments, be happy for what we have & never take for granted the ability to make memories with the ones you love. If I could tell the people around me anything it is that your journey of life is only what you make it. Whether that be a positive or a negative thing…you are in control of your journey. You are in control of how you respond to every situation you are faced with. You are in control of how you respond to your triggers in life.
I encourage you all to take the next difficult situation you have and focus on the positives of it. It would have been easier to go to bed that night and cut off any communication with the outside world but it wasn’t easy that I was looking for. Learning to deal with the grief and triggers has been more fulfilling than I could ever explain. It sounds odd to say out loud but I have learned so much about myself and how to be a better person, how to stay positive even when it's hard and how to be vulnerable. This journey has lead me to many greater things that I wouldn’t have ever imagined in the beginning. So, when life seems rough I remind myself that I am still blessed to have gotten 2 1/2 fulfilling years with Cooper, I have a tribe full of the strongest people I know and we are blessed to be surrounded by people who never let a moment pass to honor our sweet boy. I am thankful for an amazing counselor who allows me to learn lessons and teaches me to manage life post child loss. I am thankful for the team that showed up that day to save us, the dispatcher who attempted to keep my husband calm and my dad for being my strength that day even though I know he wanted to lose it. We all go through things but how you handle them will be how people remember it. Don’t waste your time being full of negativity and anger. Don’t allow the triggers of trauma to consume you. They say it isn’t always easy but it is always worth it and I can now say it is. Life post child loss is hard but learning patience, grace, humility and self control has been so much more fulfilling than I could have imagined. Without the trauma I wouldn’t be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend, sister or aunt.
If you have experienced trauma give yourself some grace when it comes to managing your everyday life. It isn’t going to be easy, sometimes the emotions take over and you end up saying things or doing things that you may regret later. It’s okay but learn and grow from it. Don’t sit in the negative, don’t allow the triggers to consume you & forgive yourself for mistakes you make along the way. We’re all learning and it isn’t easy but it will be worth it.
To my husband, I am SO proud of you. I am proud of how you carry yourself everyday, how far you have come in this journey and how many obstacles you have overcome in the past 9 1/2 months. Always remember that I love you. You are stronger than the guilt, you are stronger than the flashbacks, you are stronger than the triggers. This journey wouldn't be the same without you by my side & I am beyond thankful for you even when we both struggle. I love you the most. You will forever be my best friend.
My sweet boy, I miss you more than words will ever be able to express but the impact you left behind gives me hope and peace. I can picture you in heaven taking apart all the cars, fixing all the broken things, drinking all the milk, making sure everyone has a snack (but not your snack ;) & giving GiGi all the loves while you both wait for the rest of us. Thank you for showing me what love is, thank you for showing me how to appreciate life & thank you for continuing to give me a reason to smile. You will forever be my shining star. I love you baby boy.
-For The Love Of Coop