V U L N E R A B I L I T Y
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It’s been hard to put into words how I have been feeling lately. Something has just been blocking me from really understanding myself how I am feeling. I have been so tired, withdrawn, short tempered. December was a long month & while there was so much reward out of the month, there was also emotional and mental exhaustion that came from trying to stay positive when really, I just wanted to break down. I haven’t quite been able to pin point just what was causing my grief to feel so heavy and unmanageable lately until last night. I attended a mental health class at a local fire department where they had multiple speakers discuss their history with trauma and how they managed it. One of the speakers said something about when your cup is full and something else gets added and you become overwhelmed you aren’t able to really function properly anymore. I’ve never felt as understood as I did when he said that. It was like he was telling everyone exactly how I was feeling without me having to say anything.
I do feel overwhelmed all the time. I am exhausted every single day. I am easily angered and my patience level is at the lowest it has ever been. It wasn't until last night when I was driving home after that class that it dawned on me that my biggest problem is that I will drive myself into the ground to make sure everyone else happy and okay. I have spent the last 18 months protecting everyone around me, protecting my heart from hearing anything negative anyone has to say, trying to mend the hearts of others & holding in feelings to protect those around me. Our story is a hard one, a lot of people go silent or stare with the look of disbelief and horror on their face when I tell them how Cooper died. One thing I have always been, is very open. There isn’t a page in my book that I am not willing to share with the next person. But I have spent the last 18 months protecting the people around me, trying not to over share or give details people don’t want to hear, all while not realizing I am not helping my own mental health. At all.
I noticed a change in my behavior around October. I became distant from everyone. I no longer want to do things I normally love doing. I like to come home and go straight to bed, not because I want to sleep but because I don’t have to think about anything & I can hide from all of the work that needs to be done. I started having less communication with people around me. I started really failing at my job. I started not caring about what the house looked like or if the laundry was done. I just wanted to lay in my bed and play on my iPad. I feel exhausted every single day. No matter how much sleep I get, I could continue to sleep all day. It has bugged me & at times I project my frustration with my own feelings onto those around me because if I can’t figure out what is wrong with me then it must be them.
This isn’t a cry for help. I am not depressed or suicidal or looking for sympathy. What I am is tired. I am tired from holding myself together for 18 months when truly I have needed to allow others to see that I am not as strong as I portray at times. I thrive on people telling me how strong I am. Even when I don’t feel like it I force a smile on my face because I don’t want people to see what grieving the loss of your child really looks like. I try so hard to protect those around me from seeing what truly happens in my heart every single day because I don’t even know how I survive some days.
It wasn’t until last night that I realized that sometimes I need to allow others to step in and help. I need to be able to say I can’t help with that right now or I need to stay home today. There are times when I need to tell people that I just can’t manage their emotions today (that is my new favorite saying from one of my favorite people). I need to know where my boundaries are and be strong in them because my cup is so full that right now I can hardly think straight to do my job or housework or remember to grocery shop, do laundry, or keep a schedule. I have always been good at being able to get all my tasks done, handle anything my family needs, assist anyone who needed help with something but the last few months I am struggling at just completing one task and I have been too embarrassed to say I just need some time to let my heart and brain rest.
My cup isn’t overrun because I am overworked or I take on too many outside elective things. I enjoy everything I do. I love my job. I love helping with the volunteer fire department. I love watching my nephew play basketball. I love crafting. I love spending time with my family. My cup is full and running over because I have failed to allow myself to process my trauma and grief the way I should have to begin with. My cup is full because 18 months later I am feeling the absence of Cooper so hard that it feels hard to breath sometimes. I am reliving the death of Cooper so hard everyday that my brain is overloaded and I can’t think about anything else other than just how much I miss him. I have ignored my mental health for so long and told myself that it is easier to ignore the grief than actually deal with it. I have allowed myself to put everyone else before me for so long that the last few months I have struggled and I have been angry that I couldn’t quite figure out why.
When these two men were talking last night it felt as though they were talking straight to me. We have completely different stories & traumas. The things that have caused us to have the anxiety, depression and grief we feel are actually opposite ends of the spectrum. But, when they kept talking about their feelings and how they processed things it was like a light bulb went off in my brain as to why I am struggling now.
I can only help others if I help myself first. I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like a failure or like I don’t deserve to have grace because it has been 18 months and I should be better by now. I should be able to process my triggers and grief better now. I should be able to show up to work everyday on time and get my job done like I used to. I shouldn’t be missing appointments or birthdays or important dates because it has been long enough. But, it has only been 18 months. I am only in year 2 and the permanence of Coopers absence has become so real to me it is almost paralyzing. I can’t do things I used to be able to do. I hate looking at pictures and videos. I hate when people bring up a memory I am not ready to hear about because I hate the emotions I feel from the conversation. I despise crying. I hate feeling or looking weak.
I think as humans we all hate feeling vulnerable. We hate being rejected, being told no, feeling like we failed at something. We hate having to ask for help and put ourselves in uncomfortable situations because someone may judge us. I’d like to take judgment and kick it into the river and let if float out to the ocean where a whale eats it and we never see it again. I am SO damn sick of listening to people be so judgemental when in reality you do not ever know someone’s story & I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your life probably isn’t perfect either. So who are we to judge each other? Why am I considered weak if i cry over a memory of my son? Why am I a failure because I am struggling at getting my job done? Why do I have to protect society from the raw emotions of losing my son so that I still fit in? I am not any of those things but the insecurity tells me otherwise.
I promised myself last night that I would no longer allow insecurity or fear of vulnerability guide my grief. I feel like I have discussed this before but it clicked last night. I realized that if I don’t take care of myself then there is no way I will be able to continue taking care of others. I realized that it really is not my problem if someone else can’t process the death of our son. He is our son, not theirs. I realized that my family has been begging me to allow them into this part of my grief that is so sacred to me & that I have been hiding the fact that I struggle more than they know to protect them (my mom & aunts will be less than thrilled when they read this LOL). I realized that my anger at my husband isn’t because he is doing anything wrong, it is purely because I struggle to ask for help.
I realize now that my struggle is so much like everyone else just different circumstances. I have vowed to continue to give back to our community but after last night I also vow to share more of my story without all the glass half full stuff because sometimes it just really sucks and I have a hard time seeing the glass half full. I realized after last night that while being strong is easy for me it isn’t always what is best for me. I realized that it is okay to say I need support & I need help.
I say all of that to tell you this…being vulnerable is not a weakness. It is not a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. I think if we all spent more time being a little less judgemental and a little more vulnerable with each other we would see our true selves comes out. I promised myself last night that I will work on being vulnerable and asking for help and setting an example for everyone else. That I will allow people to see more into the dark sides of our new normal. I think sharing our story and how we have gotten to where we are is important but sharing the vulnerable, icky side of this is just as important because if I can help one person realize what they are going through is normal like those men did for me than my job here is done.
I encourage everyone to educate themselves on mental health. I would bet that more of us struggle with mental health or know people that struggle with mental health more than we are willing to admit. It doesn’t get talked about enough and I don’t think it should be viewed as a weakness. The more you educate yourself you just may be able to help someone without even knowing it The fact that I struggle with mental health will no longer be a weakness or insecurity in my eyes but a part of me that is fixed with support and understanding from the people around me.
For now, I am going to work on allowing myself to be vulnerable starting with this post. But, I hope that out of this you will allow yourself a little more grace if you are struggling. We all need a break. If your cup is overflowing please take a step back & allow yourself time to process but more importantly, ask for help when you start to feel overwhelmed, sad, anxious, angry or depressed. Do not wait.
I want to say thank you to you all for the support and love you have shown me through the last 18 months. It has kept me strong. It has shown me that as a team we can get through anything. I hope you all continue to follow us on this journey even if it does get a little deeper than before. Here is to a year full of learning to be vulnerable and allowing people to see a side of me that maybe they weren’t expecting.
-For The Love of Coop
I do feel overwhelmed all the time. I am exhausted every single day. I am easily angered and my patience level is at the lowest it has ever been. It wasn't until last night when I was driving home after that class that it dawned on me that my biggest problem is that I will drive myself into the ground to make sure everyone else happy and okay. I have spent the last 18 months protecting everyone around me, protecting my heart from hearing anything negative anyone has to say, trying to mend the hearts of others & holding in feelings to protect those around me. Our story is a hard one, a lot of people go silent or stare with the look of disbelief and horror on their face when I tell them how Cooper died. One thing I have always been, is very open. There isn’t a page in my book that I am not willing to share with the next person. But I have spent the last 18 months protecting the people around me, trying not to over share or give details people don’t want to hear, all while not realizing I am not helping my own mental health. At all.
I noticed a change in my behavior around October. I became distant from everyone. I no longer want to do things I normally love doing. I like to come home and go straight to bed, not because I want to sleep but because I don’t have to think about anything & I can hide from all of the work that needs to be done. I started having less communication with people around me. I started really failing at my job. I started not caring about what the house looked like or if the laundry was done. I just wanted to lay in my bed and play on my iPad. I feel exhausted every single day. No matter how much sleep I get, I could continue to sleep all day. It has bugged me & at times I project my frustration with my own feelings onto those around me because if I can’t figure out what is wrong with me then it must be them.
This isn’t a cry for help. I am not depressed or suicidal or looking for sympathy. What I am is tired. I am tired from holding myself together for 18 months when truly I have needed to allow others to see that I am not as strong as I portray at times. I thrive on people telling me how strong I am. Even when I don’t feel like it I force a smile on my face because I don’t want people to see what grieving the loss of your child really looks like. I try so hard to protect those around me from seeing what truly happens in my heart every single day because I don’t even know how I survive some days.
It wasn’t until last night that I realized that sometimes I need to allow others to step in and help. I need to be able to say I can’t help with that right now or I need to stay home today. There are times when I need to tell people that I just can’t manage their emotions today (that is my new favorite saying from one of my favorite people). I need to know where my boundaries are and be strong in them because my cup is so full that right now I can hardly think straight to do my job or housework or remember to grocery shop, do laundry, or keep a schedule. I have always been good at being able to get all my tasks done, handle anything my family needs, assist anyone who needed help with something but the last few months I am struggling at just completing one task and I have been too embarrassed to say I just need some time to let my heart and brain rest.
My cup isn’t overrun because I am overworked or I take on too many outside elective things. I enjoy everything I do. I love my job. I love helping with the volunteer fire department. I love watching my nephew play basketball. I love crafting. I love spending time with my family. My cup is full and running over because I have failed to allow myself to process my trauma and grief the way I should have to begin with. My cup is full because 18 months later I am feeling the absence of Cooper so hard that it feels hard to breath sometimes. I am reliving the death of Cooper so hard everyday that my brain is overloaded and I can’t think about anything else other than just how much I miss him. I have ignored my mental health for so long and told myself that it is easier to ignore the grief than actually deal with it. I have allowed myself to put everyone else before me for so long that the last few months I have struggled and I have been angry that I couldn’t quite figure out why.
When these two men were talking last night it felt as though they were talking straight to me. We have completely different stories & traumas. The things that have caused us to have the anxiety, depression and grief we feel are actually opposite ends of the spectrum. But, when they kept talking about their feelings and how they processed things it was like a light bulb went off in my brain as to why I am struggling now.
I can only help others if I help myself first. I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like a failure or like I don’t deserve to have grace because it has been 18 months and I should be better by now. I should be able to process my triggers and grief better now. I should be able to show up to work everyday on time and get my job done like I used to. I shouldn’t be missing appointments or birthdays or important dates because it has been long enough. But, it has only been 18 months. I am only in year 2 and the permanence of Coopers absence has become so real to me it is almost paralyzing. I can’t do things I used to be able to do. I hate looking at pictures and videos. I hate when people bring up a memory I am not ready to hear about because I hate the emotions I feel from the conversation. I despise crying. I hate feeling or looking weak.
I think as humans we all hate feeling vulnerable. We hate being rejected, being told no, feeling like we failed at something. We hate having to ask for help and put ourselves in uncomfortable situations because someone may judge us. I’d like to take judgment and kick it into the river and let if float out to the ocean where a whale eats it and we never see it again. I am SO damn sick of listening to people be so judgemental when in reality you do not ever know someone’s story & I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your life probably isn’t perfect either. So who are we to judge each other? Why am I considered weak if i cry over a memory of my son? Why am I a failure because I am struggling at getting my job done? Why do I have to protect society from the raw emotions of losing my son so that I still fit in? I am not any of those things but the insecurity tells me otherwise.
I promised myself last night that I would no longer allow insecurity or fear of vulnerability guide my grief. I feel like I have discussed this before but it clicked last night. I realized that if I don’t take care of myself then there is no way I will be able to continue taking care of others. I realized that it really is not my problem if someone else can’t process the death of our son. He is our son, not theirs. I realized that my family has been begging me to allow them into this part of my grief that is so sacred to me & that I have been hiding the fact that I struggle more than they know to protect them (my mom & aunts will be less than thrilled when they read this LOL). I realized that my anger at my husband isn’t because he is doing anything wrong, it is purely because I struggle to ask for help.
I realize now that my struggle is so much like everyone else just different circumstances. I have vowed to continue to give back to our community but after last night I also vow to share more of my story without all the glass half full stuff because sometimes it just really sucks and I have a hard time seeing the glass half full. I realized after last night that while being strong is easy for me it isn’t always what is best for me. I realized that it is okay to say I need support & I need help.
I say all of that to tell you this…being vulnerable is not a weakness. It is not a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. I think if we all spent more time being a little less judgemental and a little more vulnerable with each other we would see our true selves comes out. I promised myself last night that I will work on being vulnerable and asking for help and setting an example for everyone else. That I will allow people to see more into the dark sides of our new normal. I think sharing our story and how we have gotten to where we are is important but sharing the vulnerable, icky side of this is just as important because if I can help one person realize what they are going through is normal like those men did for me than my job here is done.
I encourage everyone to educate themselves on mental health. I would bet that more of us struggle with mental health or know people that struggle with mental health more than we are willing to admit. It doesn’t get talked about enough and I don’t think it should be viewed as a weakness. The more you educate yourself you just may be able to help someone without even knowing it The fact that I struggle with mental health will no longer be a weakness or insecurity in my eyes but a part of me that is fixed with support and understanding from the people around me.
For now, I am going to work on allowing myself to be vulnerable starting with this post. But, I hope that out of this you will allow yourself a little more grace if you are struggling. We all need a break. If your cup is overflowing please take a step back & allow yourself time to process but more importantly, ask for help when you start to feel overwhelmed, sad, anxious, angry or depressed. Do not wait.
I want to say thank you to you all for the support and love you have shown me through the last 18 months. It has kept me strong. It has shown me that as a team we can get through anything. I hope you all continue to follow us on this journey even if it does get a little deeper than before. Here is to a year full of learning to be vulnerable and allowing people to see a side of me that maybe they weren’t expecting.
-For The Love of Coop