Y E A R T W O
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T W O Y E A R S
Two years ago we lost you. Two years ago our lives changed forever & this year showed me just how permanent that loss is. I’d like to say I breezed through the year but the truth is it was a struggle. I woke up last year feeling more broken than one year prior. I realized just how permanent this really was and it broke me. I realized that there was no amount of time or milestones that pass that was going to make this easier. I wasn’t even sure how to navigate it anymore because I had kept telling myself if I could just get through the 1st year it would all get better. It took me to a very lonely, dark, depressed place & I woke up a few months ago hating the girl that stared back at me in the mirror. I was forced to deal with some of the feelings I had been suppressing, I was forced to change my behavior and accept responsibility for the of the things I had done and said. I allowed my grief and fear of the permanence to harden me. To make me resentful, hateful, angry and cold. I allowed myself to let my faith take a backseat & allowed myself to look to worldly things to heal my heart when in reality all it did was mask the pain for a moment. The last few months I have focused on healing my own trauma. I now understand what it actually means to be vulnerable. I understand that taking care of myself is necessary and does not mean I have forgotten or moved on. I understand that the people around me are not my enemies. I understand that my feelings are valid but my anger that is driven by my anxiety and fear of losing someone else is not okay.
For year three, I hope to focus on building back my relationship with God. To making more happy memories with my husband, family, nieces, nephews and friends. To remind myself that it is okay to be truly vulnerable and explain your feelings rather than ignoring them & losing my mind on everyone when they become overwhelming. To share more about our journey because I just couldn’t this year. To get healthy not only mentally but physically. To love myself again. To love my husband and family the way they have loved me.
To the people who stuck around during the worst year of my life…THANK YOU! Thank you for not giving up even through I pushed you away. Thank you for reminding me that I deserved to be happy, for never leaving us out even if you knew we wouldn’t come. For supporting us from afar when you knew I wasn’t ready to face reality yet. You guys could see that I was in disbelief still & you patiently waited for me to come back around. Thank you to everyone who has reached out & remembered what today is, you truly don’t know how much it means just to have it acknowledged. Here’s to another year of making more memories with all of my favorite people! 👼🏼💙⭐️
Two years ago we lost you. Two years ago our lives changed forever & this year showed me just how permanent that loss is. I’d like to say I breezed through the year but the truth is it was a struggle. I woke up last year feeling more broken than one year prior. I realized just how permanent this really was and it broke me. I realized that there was no amount of time or milestones that pass that was going to make this easier. I wasn’t even sure how to navigate it anymore because I had kept telling myself if I could just get through the 1st year it would all get better. It took me to a very lonely, dark, depressed place & I woke up a few months ago hating the girl that stared back at me in the mirror. I was forced to deal with some of the feelings I had been suppressing, I was forced to change my behavior and accept responsibility for the of the things I had done and said. I allowed my grief and fear of the permanence to harden me. To make me resentful, hateful, angry and cold. I allowed myself to let my faith take a backseat & allowed myself to look to worldly things to heal my heart when in reality all it did was mask the pain for a moment. The last few months I have focused on healing my own trauma. I now understand what it actually means to be vulnerable. I understand that taking care of myself is necessary and does not mean I have forgotten or moved on. I understand that the people around me are not my enemies. I understand that my feelings are valid but my anger that is driven by my anxiety and fear of losing someone else is not okay.
For year three, I hope to focus on building back my relationship with God. To making more happy memories with my husband, family, nieces, nephews and friends. To remind myself that it is okay to be truly vulnerable and explain your feelings rather than ignoring them & losing my mind on everyone when they become overwhelming. To share more about our journey because I just couldn’t this year. To get healthy not only mentally but physically. To love myself again. To love my husband and family the way they have loved me.
To the people who stuck around during the worst year of my life…THANK YOU! Thank you for not giving up even through I pushed you away. Thank you for reminding me that I deserved to be happy, for never leaving us out even if you knew we wouldn’t come. For supporting us from afar when you knew I wasn’t ready to face reality yet. You guys could see that I was in disbelief still & you patiently waited for me to come back around. Thank you to everyone who has reached out & remembered what today is, you truly don’t know how much it means just to have it acknowledged. Here’s to another year of making more memories with all of my favorite people! 👼🏼💙⭐️